Closing Remarks

A new year is approaching - 2008. Wow, I honestly cannot believe it will be 2008 in just a few days. Each new years eve that passes I am always in awe of how fast time has gone by and excited at what the upcoming year will bring. I am also increasingly aware of the end being near and of the return of Christ. I know that Paul preached of the urgency of Christ's coming some 2000 years ago and 2000 years later he still hasn't returned, but that does not negate the fact that he will and can at any moment. There are times when, struggling with self-pity, wrestling with anxiety, or just outright indifferent, the Lord brings to my mind the truth and urgency of being ready for his return, and my outlook changes. That isn't to say "fear" is the driving force of my spirituality, it isn't. But often we need to be motivated - jolted - by perspective greater and more permanent than ours. We live the time that a match flickers, which is not long enough to spend indulging in extremes for the sake of extremes. I'm often irked by those who use the popular line "You only live once" to rationalize being and doing stupid things. Granted, we do only live once, so how do we do it right? How do we do it in such a way that when we find ourselves in eternity, we will not look back in regret at how we chose to live? Living with greater perspective means looking up instead of down, looking out instead of in.

I've met a tonne of people with no, or little, perspective. Some are even in my own family. And it pains me to see choices made with no, or little, wisdom. Which is understandable because the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and if God is nowhere in sight in one's life, where can wisdom flow from? Intelligence and human intellect does not equal wisdom. One can be smart by human standards, and yet a fool in the eyes of God. And to say the least, I've seen my fair share of foolishness in the last year, even in the last month, by myself included. By no means am I exempt from being stupid at times, but by God's grace I am able to recognize my stupidity and reconcile myself to who I really am in Christ. But for those whose belief to begin with lacks a firm foundation, living by faith and with a perspective greater than one's own is next to impossible. It is absolutely necessary to check and evaluate our belief system for how it merges with - influences, affects - our reality. To quote Beth Moore, "Our theology must merge with our reality." There is no such thing as a vibrant, God-centered life separate from emotional/physical/mental self. Real faith is in the living out of our Christianity in every single aspect of life. Yes, some aspects are more difficult to conquer than others but living by faith is living with the power of God, of which nothing is impossible or too difficult.

Knowledge of God's truth needs to move from our head to our heart. I've met too many people who know much but believe little. If Christians everywhere believed with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength - I mean really believed God at His Word - the face of Christianity today and Christian living would look very different. But, I know that we are all at a different point - or perhaps pit-stop - in our journey with Christ and no amount of human pleading or endeavors to convict can change one's heart or direction in life. No, and glad I am at the fact that only God can be God and do what God can do. But believe me when I say I will and am praying for you.

So, as 2007 comes to an end, my only hope for you and I this upcoming year is that we will experience a permanent merging of our theology and reality as we learn to believe God at His Word and live by faith.

My heart aches

In everything, all we can really do is pray. I don't know why things happen, or why they are happening, but I do know that my God is mighty. I hate to think the worst, and yet the worst has already arrived. Sin is sin regardless of how big or small we view it through human eyes. It's all the same to God: detestable, filthy, rooted in the old nature, and unfit for His children. It's amazing how we like to rationalize our actions in spite of what God has made plain and clear to us. Doing so is akin to sniffing the putrid smell of our vomit and finding it appealing. So why do we do it? That is the question of the ages and one that Paul makes so clear in the book of Romans. When we continually wrestle with sin, we are really wrestling with our unbelief. We don't truly believe God and His Word in its entirety; we don't truly believe that God is who he says he is and that he can do what he says he can do. If we truly did, why in the world would we settle for crap when God has put a feast before us?

Then He touched their eyes, saying, "It shall be done to you according to your faith."

It's easy to say "I have faith" when life is walking through the park. When it's not, how many of us can truly own this statement without a single doubt? I know I can't, but I am learning what it means to have faith and to live by it, moment by moment. I have faith that God can do a miracle in the heart of a person hardened by sin, pride, and guilt. I have faith that he can restore a husband and wife to oneness and unity because that is his will and desire. I have faith that my prayers are being heard and that they will not come back empty. I have faith that God can heal a tumor in the head of a woman with the power he used to raise Christ from the dead. I have faith that a daughter will realize the futility of rebellion and come back to her parents and family. I have faith that God will grow in me a heart of compassion as I walk daily in His Spirit. I have faith, but I need more and more of it. If I had faith as big as a mustard seed, I could move mountains.

Even when I feel discouraged, I will praise You Lord.

Dating during highschool always came with some form of acronym to symbolize or represent the relationship. When I look at bathroom stalls today, nothing much has changed. Thanks to my older sister, I got into the habit of writing numbers or letters to represent words: 143 = I love you; 436 = Dale and Deedee; 5254 = Mahal na mahal kita (lame, I know!); DAM = Dale and Madelaine. Because I didn't have any other "real" boyfriends in highschool besides Dale, I pretty much stopped at 436 and DAM. We pretty much owned those numbers and that acronym. I staked my claim on almost every notebook I used during highschool. Dale and Madelaine. That's how it was and that's how it was going to stay. We were silly teenagers, trying to understand and express this thing called love. I think I expressed it pretty well. I'd think about him a lot, write him letters telling him how much he meant to me, skip school (just once!) to visit him, buy him random thoughtful things, stayed "true" to our exclusive commitment to each other. You know, things like that. He'd do the same in return. We had known each other as friends before we started "going out", so when he told me he loved me after 2 months of dating, I told him I felt the exact same way. We were in love!

Until that fateful day in November when the words "I love you" from my mouth were met with "I don't anymore" from his. I couldn't believe it. How could someone who said he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, all of a sudden say "I don't love you anymore" just like that, with no explanation except for "I'm sorry"? You don't just fall out of love with someone! Months after I still didn't have an answer.

That was our highschool relationship and breakup in a nutshell. But as you can see, God brought us back to each other and now we can truly own "436" and "DAM". Love is an interesting thing and, depending upon who you're talking to, can be defined differently. You often here the phrase "love is not an feeling". And I'm sure those who say it truly mean it in theory but when it comes to practice, fall unguarded into the trap of emotion. If love is a feeling, then it is fleeting, transient, unstable, and prone to sudden change without cause or explanation. That's what feelings are and do. They come and go depending upon mood, circumstance. They often lie and are presumptuous. They can't be trusted wholly without precaution and thorough examination and often need to be rebuked for focusing too much on the self. I like the phrase "being in love with love" because I believe it to be so true. Some people I know are in love with love.

Then there's the phrase "love is a decision". In other words, choice is involved in love. Well, obviously. You choose who you want to love. And then in the choosing of how to show love to the one you have chosen to love is where love is found. Love is not found in the emotion that drives the choice, but in the choice itself which is guided by...obligation? need?

Today, Dale and I watched "Dan In Real Life". It's a really good movie and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. Towards the end of it, a minor character (a young teen in love with the protagonist's teenage daughter) says: "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." I thought this statement over, trying to decide whether or not I agreed with it and why. The word "ability" is defined as 1.the quality of being able to do something (the power or knowledge to do something); 2. a natural or acquired skill or talent; 3. the quality of being suitable for or receptive to a specified treatment. If love is an ability then according to the definition it requires action or expression; it is both innate and learned; and it must be received.

Every person desires to be loved. Not by a love that is merely fueled by emotion, but by a love that is secure and unwavering; not by a choice that is made out of obligation or guilt, but that is driven by truth and desire. I have learned that only God can give love in all its fullness. There is no greater love than the love he showed me when he gave his life as a ransom for me. And when I am in Christ and He in me, I am able to extend and show that same love to my husband, the object of my affections on this earth, the one that the Lord made just for me for more reasons than simply to be my lifelong companion until death do us part.

You need to get love to give love. That desire for love that we all have needs to be 'got' by God. Once we experience his love, we have no other choice but to 'give' it to others: our friends, our 'enemies', the 'unlovables' around us, and our spouse. Not only do we not have a choice, but we have the power to in any and every situation.

Anyway, that's all for today. Hope ya'll enjoyed the long weekend and took the time to remember.

Forgive me for my blunt, thoughtless remarks in my last blog. Frustration sometimes gets the best of me and I forget about perspective and what the Lord may be teaching me in the different predicaments I find myself in. Traffic = developing patience. Although, I contend that it was still quite ridiculous that it took me one hour to get to Fraser Heights. And I also contend that traffic light operators don't always pay attention to what's happening. Or perhaps they have no control and its the city that's screwing us all over. Just kidding. Okay, moving on.

I had a pretty chill day. I subbed for one of my school advisors who took the day off to supervise his daughter's preschool with his wife. His kids are super cute! They are halfies (Chinese/White) and so adorable! He has tons of pics of them around his desk. During my practicum last April his second daughter was born so it was cool to see how big she has grown since then. Anyway, the day was pretty straightforward and didn't require too much effort on my part so I got to relax. Being in different classrooms everyday has given me ideas on how I want my future classroom to look like. I actually taught for a teacher who set up her classroom in a way similar to what I want to have. As soon as I walked into her class (she's an English teacher like me) I felt the vibes she was trying to impart: inspiration, warmth, care, fun, optimism. She had a lot of windows and a nice view of the neighborhood. Around the walls of the room were random quotes, visuals, and collages about success in education, goalsetting, teamwork, acceptance, life, dreams, etc. It was definitely the most positive looking classroom I've ever been in. I can't wait for the freedom to be creative in the way I desire students to view education and life. Decorating my room is one thing I definitely look forward to and will take time doing. I am also definitely going to have a portable heater. I hate when classroom's are cold!

Tomorrow Dale and I are going out for dinner and watching the hockey game with a couple friend of ours (they're just dating). We've been praying for the opportunity to spend time getting to know these two because we've been asking the Lord to use us to minister to people as a couple. He's a Christian and attends our church but hasn't been coming lately and she's not yet a Christian. I know that he's been going through a lot of things lately, despite his "I'm doing great" response to my question of "How are you, really?" He used to help me with the youth but stopped going a couple of months ago so we are "close" to some degree, I guess. She has come to church a few times and I know she has heard the gospel truth but I don't think has had the opportunity to talk about her experience at church with anyone. I'm looking forward to our time and praying for wisdom and boldness in our conversations with one another. I know that God is at work and will reveal Himself clearly to both of them in His timing. I also know that if it's God's will, the Canucks can beat the flames ;P We'll just have to wait and see. I'm not a huge hockey fan but it does help if they can win a few games. (No disrespect to all you real fans!)

Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!

TRAFFIC. I hate traffic. I hate traffic that makes what would normally be a 15 minute drive take ONE HOUR. I had to work in Fraser Heights today and crossing the overpass was a NIGHTMARE. I was literally yelling in my car at how terrible the traffic was. TERRIBLE. After waiting 40 minutes to cross a dumb overpass because traffic going West to Vancouver is just so unbelievable that it affects people who aren't even going in that direction, I hit traffic IN Fraser Heights!!! I arrived just 5 minutes before the bell went. I hate when I'm late (and I have never been, thankfully) but today was too close of a call. I always arrive at least 20 minutes early so that I'm prepared for the day, especially if the teacher hasn't left a lesson plan. Today I even left earlier than normal because I knew that there would be traffic, but little did I know just HOW MUCH there would be because traffic lights in this city are STUPID and whoever controls them is an IDIOT. There are no left turn signals when there should be at busy intersections. That is my biggest pet peeve. I also don't know why the city does construction on major streets during rush hour. What in the world are they thinking? How stupid is that? Arrrrgh. I'm still pretty pissed off.

Anyway, so my day didn't start off too well and as a result my first block was a little sloppy. It's a Spanish teacher that I subbed for today (and have subbed for a few times in the past) and I usually prep myself when I arrive early. I didn't have that luxury today. Thankfully I had a prep second block and was able to sufficiently prepare myself for the last two blocks. I love Spanish! It's a lot different from teaching English because it's not literature that's being taught but the technical aspects of the language. It's fun being requested for a Spanish class and I'm thankful that I was able to retain almost everything I learned in high school and university. I think I might go back to school and upgrade my Spanish courses so that I can be certified to teach it in addition to English.

It's unbearably gloomy outside. Rain, rain, rain. I don't know when it'll ever go away. Probably not until next May! That's Vancouver for you.

Bumps

The other day I was in the library of a school I substituted in, trying to kill time on my prep. As I was browsing the bookshelves for a potentially interesting read, I came across a section of the shelf containing books about religion and myths. I've always had a bit of intrigue for books about world religions, myths and mythology, cults, etc. not because I was looking to be convinced (the Truth has already set me free) but more so because I wanted to know what people (both the writer and readers) find so convincing about them. Anyway, my eyes glossed over random titles until I came to one particular book: "God: An overview." I paused and thought to myself, how funny. Now the book itself when I picked it up was essentially about the history of the idea of "Gods and Goddesses" and how such an entity as "God" emerged as an idea. But the initial thought I had stemmed from the idea that someone endeavored to amateurly record (or contain) everything about God in one book. And the book wasn't even big or thick for that matter! Not that a dozen or even a hundred books could do justice. I suppose, though, that without having known God but simply knowing about him with a limited frame of reference, one could write a chapter book with a beginning and an end. Well, as human beings we are subject to a limited understanding of things, of God himself, because that is just the way it is. But just because we are limited does not mean that God is, and it doesn't change who He is. I'm thankful, though, that inspite of my humanity, God makes Himself, his ways, his plans, his desires, known to me through the Holy Spirit. And I have the opportunity to know Him instead of just know about Him.

It's been a while since I've blogged, I know. Sometimes its a matter of laziness, sometimes my internet connection doesn't work, hehe. Other times I just feel uninspired or just don't want to bother. Today, I feel like blogging. So here I am. The past couple of months (since the last time I blogged was in September) have been quite the journey. Work has been busy and although I enjoy it, lately I've been feeling like I want a day off. Or two. Or a week, hehe. Just kidding. I'm on call so I can decline a job if I so desire but because there's the risk of not getting called the next day and sacrificing income, I always accept the call. Even at 7 in the morning. In terms of stress level, it's definitely at a minimum, which is one of the perks of substitute teaching. No late night planning or endless marking. You're just in and out! For me the only downside is that it's difficult to build relationships with students you see one day and may never see again. Even though I enjoy TOCing now, I'm excited for the opportunity to have my own classroom and my own set of students to get to know and to help grow. Until a position opens in my subject area, however, I'm content.

My eyes have slowly been opening to the ignorance I never knew I had. And that is no easy thing to accept. Imagine being convinced of something for the longest time and then realizing that what you thought was right was not? Or rather, that what you thought was right was based on a limited perspective? God does not hold us accountable to what we do not know; but once He reveals these things to us we are accountable to God for how we allow what we have come to know change our mindset, perspective, and actions in this life. I've been wrestling with my unveiled, unacknowledged ignorance for the past few weeks. Perhaps it has been a struggle because my pride was hurt. I think whenever our pride is hurt in any situation, we become stubborn. We don't want to accept that we are wrong or have been narrow-minded. That itself is pride. But recognizing and admitting the pride in our thinking and in our actions is the first step towards humility. And I know that it is impossible to take any steps towards humility without asking God to help us humble ourselves and expose our pride to us. I praise the Lord for making things clear to me. It is not yet crystal clear but I know that as I yield to him each day and grow in the knowledge of Christ, it will be. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I am only beginning to fully grasp the meaning of these words of the apostle Paul. It is so amazing how much we allow guilt to play a role in our lives and drive us to do, or not do, things. Sometimes it is masked by so-called "desire" or "love" but when we truly examine our motivations or intentions, we see guilt at work. I have been praying that God would help me to truly see and believe that because I am in Christ, I am no longer condemned (in every possible understanding). I have also been praying that God would, as I continue to grow in my knowledge and love for Him, grow in me a compassionate and loving heart that is fueled by Christ's love for me and for people.

So overall, God has revealed much to me in the past month. And although, as I mentioned, I've been wrestling with some of it, I thank the Lord for His rebuke and for the love He has shown to me in exposing my pride.

The women at our church have begun a study series by Beth Moore entitled "Believing God: A Fresh Explosion of Faith" and I am excited to be challenged by it. The general focus is on the idea of believing God and not merely beliving in God. We had the first session last week and it has prompted me to think about what "promised land" God has uniquely created and destined for me. I enjoy Beth's teachings because she does a thorough exegesis of passages in the Old Testament and New Testament and challenges women to consider their unique relevance to us today. Bless you, Beth!

Anyway, I think that is all I can muster for today. Monday nights Dale and I volunteer for Special Olympics Surrey but I'm not feeling so hot so I may not go tonight. I wish it was Thursday so then I could watch the Office! I love the Office but I hate how its back to half hour episodes :( I was thoroughly enjoying the full hour of humor to the nth degree. But I've been enjoying Heroes even though the plot has been dragging a little. Enjoy your Monday night people!

Meditation

I'm becoming less fond of using the word "devotions" to describe reading God's word and prayer. I remember when I was young, like 8 or 9 years old, my Dad would wake up our entire family at 6am every other morning to do family "devotions". To say the least, it was brutal. First of all, I hated being interrupted from sleep and so early! Second, I ended up sleeping half the time and between prayers because I was so tired! Third, I don't think I retained anything with my brain still asleep. Don't get me wrong, I do commend my Dad's valient efforts to get his family on the right track spiritually and eventually I grew in my faith and love for the Lord. But after that, I began (perhaps subconsciously) to associate the word "devotions" with "chore", and doing devotions akin to fulfilling a daily chore. That phrase "doing devotions" has become so commonplace in Christian circles that we don't stop to think about its connotations. I know I'm probably overanalyzing something so menial, but too bad cause it's my blog and I want to! Reading God's Word and praying shouldn't be something we tick off our daily (or perhaps, weekly ;P) "To Do" list and, once done, move on to the next item. I used to think of it that way. I used to think that once I read my Bible and prayed I'm good to go for the day; my conscience was eased and I could respond with a resounding "YES!" when my Dad asked "Did you do your devotions today?" I know he meant well; every parent does. But now that I look back in hindsight of where I have traveled from in my journey with Christ, I know that what starts with "doing devotions" evolves into moment-by-moment awareness of the Holy Spirit's presence in every aspect of one's life. Today I like to use the word "meditation" because it requires both deep thought coupled with action. Meditation requires one's active engagement/contemplation/reflection followed by action related to one's reflection.

In the book of Psalms we find the word "meditate" used throughout to describe what one does with the precepts/commands/laws of the Lord. When I meditate on the Word of God and consider all of His ways and His truth, the Holy Spirit changes my course of action from mine to His. And the wonderful thing about the Holy Spirit is that He's not only present when I open the Bible and pray during an allotted time, but when I wash the dishes, deal with a student at work, cook dinner, workout. Meditation is not limited to the minutes or hours I allot to "doing devotions" but rather, it permeates daily life as we reflect and contemplate and act on what we come to know about God and His ways. I can pray any where, any time and God hears me. It really is about abiding in Him day by day by day.

So those are my thoughts on that.

Today has already been met with frustration, challenge, sweat, doubt, and temptation, but thanks be to God that when we call upon His Name his Spirit meets us at our point of weakness and gives His strength. I know He is working miracles as I type and He will be faithful to His promises. Sometimes when we've been praying for a long time about something or someone and God doesn't seem to be answering our prayers, it's easy to lose hope or to doubt His faithfulness, but who or what else do and can we turn to? Seemingly impossible circumstances are God's forte. Although I don't deny that I doubt or get frustrated at times, at the end of the struggle I trust all the more in God that He knows what He is doing and allowing to happen and that in time, we will see and understand the intended purposes of His will.

Some noteworthy bits before I end:

1) I cooked Beefsteak (or "Bifstek" depending on how FOB you are ;P) Filipino style with the lemon and everything (Mom's recipe) for the first time and Dale said (and I quote): "It's probably one of the best things that have come out of our kitchen." I even surprised myself at how good it turned out, especially since I don't cook often (but that's changing! heehee).

2) We're getting a new car today! Silver 2000 Honda Civic Si, manual. Haha, yeah our first manual car and we both don't know how to drive stick. Well, Dale's been practicing with Reggie's car. Actually, only on one occasion. But he claims he's driven stick in the past on different occasions with different vehicles. Yesterday, we tested out the car one last time (with the owner driving us around) and Dale took it for a brief spin on a deserted road with no cars. He did well. Hahaha...I think he'll learn pretty fast and then be able to teach me. Until then, I'll be driving our soon to be spotless inside and out CRV. Guys really know how to keep a car messy!

3) Hannah and Reggie are getting married on Saturday! Time to boogie down! (Haha, not really cause I don't dance)

Making Wise the Simple

We humans like to over-complicate. Perhaps it is our way of showing that life must be more complicated than simple because human beings are complex, as are everything that exudes from them (emotions especially). So we make complicated choices and suffer complications from those choices we make. Those of us with brains like to intellectualize more than we should and ought, making things more complicated than they are. Those of us who like to emotionalize depend too much on the little truth our emotions speak, making things more complicated than clear. Essentially, life becomes more complicated than it really is and the solutions more complicated than they really are, thus the joy of living is sucked right out of a complicated life. And who do we blame? Well, here we make things simple: God. Not ourselves or the complicated and often dumb choices we make but God who, because apparently my life is in His hands, delights to see me suffer and perhaps is punishing me for all the wrong things I've done. After talking with someone who admitted to believing this previous statement, I pondered the irony of mistaking God's will with God's plan.

It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and in that matter no one should wrong his brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already told you and warned you. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who gives you his Holy Spirit. -- 1 Thessalonians 4:2

Choice is the unique attribute of human life that truly reflects who we really are and what master we serve. In everything there is a choice. The struggle of choosing is not simple, but often the choice that should be made is. God's will is that in every choice we make, we listen and heed to the Holy Spirit - who is often directly opposed to what we think or feel is right, convenient, or comfortable. God's will is that we be sanctified: transformed daily by the renewing of our mind. God's will is that we have self-control governed by the standards of holiness. God's will is that we stop using one another for self-gain, self-interest, and self-centered reasons. God's will is that we act like people who know God (because we do!) rather than like people who do not.

God's ultimate plan is to bring about good in us. The famously cited passage Romans 8:28 says: And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew, he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son. And in Ephesians 1:11, Paul writes: God works all things according to the counsel of his will. How it is that God governs all events in the universe without sinning, and without removing responsibility from man, and with compassionate outcomes is mysterious. God governs all (the good, bad, pain, pleasure, etc.) for His wise, just, and good purposes. He is not to blame for the unwise and stupid choices we so often make that bring about unkind or painful events in our lives; likewise, he is not to blame for the sins we have committed against one another that bring about destruction. However, by his purposeful goodness he allows things to happen with the ultimate plan of bringing glory to Himself. The good he desires to bring about in us is transforming us into the likeness of his Son.

God is not like a firefighter who gets calls to show up at calamities when the damage is already happening. He is more like a surgeon who plans the cutting he must do and plans it for good purposes. Without the confidence that God rules over the beginning of our troubles, it is hard to believe that he could rule over the end. If we deny God his power and wisdom to govern the arrival of our pain, why should we think we can trust him with its departure? -- John Piper

Thoughts on Pride

The world does not revolve around me.

Say this to yourself right now. I'm saying it too. We need a reality check, a mind makeover, a heart transplant - not yearly but hourly, momentarily. It's deceiving how easily we allow ourselves to slip into this mindset, masking it by what we call our faith. Pride is elusive. The very thought that one is not proud (or not as proud as the next) is the essence of pride. Pride was at the root of the Fall of Man; and it still lays claim on the lives of people. It is in fact what keeps you and I from being real with one another; it keeps the Holy Spirit away from what we desire to keep in control; it tells us that we are right and they are wrong; it makes the excuses we always give; it keeps us from admitting our wrong or asking for help; it hates rebuke, despises it, avoids it. Pride has many expressions and, when fueled by Satan's lies, is a tool of destruction to both ourselves, to our witness, and to the body of Christ. Pride is not merely "arrogance", or "conceit" as the dictionary defines it. To accept such definition as truth above the Word of God is an act of pride in itself. We must acknowledge how pride infiltrates our thoughts, motivates our actions (or inaction), and defines the world that we see when we are not looking through the eyes of Jesus Christ.

We like to use people but of course, we won't admit it. Classic pride at work. I've observed (even from myself) that the most common use of people is in the form of security. Friends make us feel good about ourselves, otherwise they probably wouldn't be our friends. Best friends are even better; they are not only listeners, advisors, and complimentors, but convenient and comfortable company. They warrant immediate invitation when loneliness comes upon us or when we don't want to appear alone in a crowd. They give promise of someone to chat with at any time, even when the other company gets boring, crowded, or uneasy. Security. Don't get me wrong, friends are necessary in life and a good thing. They make life on this earth all the more pleasant and fun! Rather, what needs to be understood is how pride is at work in the way we use our friendships (or relationship of any kind) to provide an identity for us that should be found in Christ alone.

The apostle Paul's life reminds us of our mandate as Christians who have given their life over to Christ. He often walked free of human company, especially when his travels brought him to inconvenient and uncomfortable places, or to places where his life was in danger. Although he lacked the human company we long for and seek during our tough times, his faith alone in the strength and cause of Christ was his security; so much so that he had no bias in his ministry nor towards the people God called him to preach to. His focus was not on his own comfortability but on Christ's credibility in his life. For Paul, life revolved around the renown of Jesus Christ.

I decided to blog on this particular topic because of observations that I've made and conversations that I've had about relationships. Our friendships are a gift from the Lord, but can so easily become idols in our lives, even without our knowing (or perhaps we are too prideful to admit it). When you take the time to pick apart and analyze the role that an idol of any kind plays in our lives, pride is at the heart of it. When Moses was on Mount Sinai receiving instructions from the Lord, the Israelites got worried, restless, and impatient. They created idols to deal with their insecurity, to appease their pride and self-interest. They sought their own solution and dismissed the Lord's. Are we not still like those stubborn Israelites, even though God has provided us with Jesus Christ?

God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. We will never get away with acting on pride; God holds us accountable to our motives, thoughts, and actions through the Holy Spirit in us and equips us with the strength to confront and admit our weaknesses, humble ourselves, and turn to Him.

Forward

I've had a restful two weeks of summer. I'm getting sad that the season is almost over. Thankfully not before we spend some time in Calgary and reunite with friends and family! I'm looking forward to our trip and hope it's not cut short, even for a job interview. Am I crazy or what? I'd rather spend time with family and see my old friends again than, if its absolutely required, fly back home to be interviewed for a potential full time job in the September. Which is, by the way, in less than 2 weeks!

Okay, let me clarify first. I got an email from my school advisor yesterday telling me that there was a potential position - Humanities/Socials/English - opening at the school that I did my practicum at, and that I should apply for it. She cc'd the email to the new principal of the school, which means that she had probably spoken to her beforehand and told her about me. Anyway, she told me to email the principal for details and so I did. I found out that the position would be posted on the district website today but it wasn't purely Humanities but Family Studies too! Anyway, I decided to apply for it even though I'm technically not qualified to teach Family Studies. I've heard that it's not too complicated a subject, but I know planning for it (and even Hum) will be a lot of work. My school advisor told me that she had told the principal of my teaching and classroom management skills so at least she knows a bit about my qualifications already. Plus, I'd be taking over for a teacher that I knew during my practicum who went on mat leave, so I could probably use her stuff. However, I don't know if I even stand a chance since my concentration is English; but one never knows does one? God is known for His surprises.

But, I'm not putting my hopes up, and to be honest they aren't really up. I don't feel like working crazy hard after I just finished school. I kinda just wanna relax and TOC for a bit, low-stress style. Go to work and come home, no planning or marking or phone calls home to parents. But I know that working full time would be beneficial to my career in the long run - I would be able to move up the ladder quicker heehee. I also don't want to come home early from Calgary! The school year starts on the 4th and we come home the day before! It is ridiculous how late into summer these positions open up! Honestly, how do they expect teachers, especially first year teachers, to prepare or feel prepared in one week, even less? I don't know. They probably think we are super-human. Sometimes, teachers are ;P

Ultimately, I am trusting in the Lord's plan. If it is His will for me to work full time, then I know my strength and wisdom will come from Him 'cause I know I can't do it on my own strength. If you remember, please pray for God's will in this situation. Muchas gracias!

On a side, and completely irrelevant, note: Does anyone know how to change the ring tone for text messages on a Blackberry?

Solitude

Sometimes, being alone is necessary, therapeutic even. I know that life is not meant to be lived in solitude, but there are times when you need it. Today is one of those times for me. I woke up this morning without much inclination to enjoy the day outside my home. Yesterday was a totally different story (especially since Dale didn't go to work). I was itching to go out, to do something, anything, but stay in and do nothing. In my mind, "doing something" meant going out and spending money or hanging out with friends. We had just spent the weekend at Family Camp with people and still I wasn't satisfied. I wasn't content to stay in. It was a beautiful day! I only have 3 weeks to enjoy summer before school (which is now work, hehe) starts, I whined. On a whim, we decided to go to the States. But on the way there, thanks to AM730, we found out people were waiting 2 hours to cross the border! Just our luck! So we headed back home. So yesterday didn't amount to much. But today has been a different story.

There are a million lame excuses we can give for not doing the things we should and ought to do. There are a million reasons why God should get fed up, but He doesn't. That attribute of his is definitely unfathomable. To the human mind, it makes no sense that one could put up with so much smack from a people who, with their mouth, are too quick to speak empty promises; too quick to utter praises to God and yet speak ill or hold a grudge against a brother. We are two-faced hypocrites, bred on a gospel that has us at the center instead of God. That God will forgive gives some the license they need to sin instead of the desire to hate sin because God is holy, because Christ suffered, because God is just. Sometimes when we read the Bible, we only see and hear what we want to see and hear. We close our minds to the "bad" but take in the good. If we confess our sins God faithful to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Yes, but that same verse tells us that God is just. He loves us and will forgive but he hates sin and will punish. And then we wonder why, even after we have confessed our sins, God apparently fails to answer our requests, however honorable and sincere. He, it seems, makes life all the more difficult than easy. How can we be so blind? How can we even think we deserve what He gives us? How can we be so disillusioned by the idea that we have earned blessing, love, forgiveness? We haven't! Nothing we have in Christ has been earned or deserved. Nothing.

This morning the Lord spoke to my heart. I have been a spoiled child and have forgotten to whom my life belongs. God has allowed trials and circumstances into my life only to be the Rock I cling to, the Refuge I hide beneath, the Strength and Wisdom I seek when the world goes awry (which it does time and time again). When I look elsewhere, I find confusion and anger, greed and pride. I've looked elsewhere many times only to find that I can't handle it. I'm not cut out for it. I'm not God. I need to stop pretending, and probably so do you.

It's been a good day so far. God meet us in our solitude when we desire to meet with Him :)

Shorts

I'm feeling...restless. I've been doing literally jack squat for the past 3 and a half hours. I still have 30 minutes to go until Dale's off work. Aside from mindlessly browsing facebook, reading up on the latest worst/best dressed in H-wood, finalizing songs for tonight's prayer meeting, writing an email, and pondering (just pondering) completing the last teeny writing assignment I have to do for my class that ends on Friday, I've done basically nothing. Am I wasting my life or what? I can't find a 24 magazine anywhere (it's a great time killer). I've spoken to virtually no one except the cashier at Starbucks and Dale for 2 seconds. I pity my lack of a social life at school, but at the same time I like that I have no social obligations. My time is my own and I can do with it as I please. And apparently it pleases me to do nothing. It's times like these that I wish I had a social group to cling to for passing times of boredom. Unless it is the case that I get bored with them ;P The cohort friends that I did make back in September are all scattered about these days and because most classes end at 1 no one really stays after that. I'm looking forward to lunch with my two friends tomorrow. One of them is going back to Kamloops for pretty much good so I won't be seeing her for a while. The other got hired to Surrey too so we'll prolly see each other often.

Mmm, this oat fudge bar from Starbucks is the best. If you haven't tried it, TRY IT! So good.

I think I've mastered my 20 minutes on the treadmill. I'm going to start trying for 25. Yesterday, I ran with virtually no feelings of exhaust and no asthma afterwards! That is a miracle. I think I may start playing sports again.

I've added the new Activia to my diet. I have yet to see the effects but my stomach has been bubbling for the past hour. Good bubbling ;P

If I could choose any car to have for free, it would be a Toyota Rav 4. The older model. Unfortunately, according to Dale I can't have that car cuz we already have an SUV and it's quite a bit of money. We've been looking at getting a Toyota Matrix as a second vehicle and for me to use for work in September. I hope we do. I need a ride.

I need contacts. My eyesight sucks and so does having to wear glasses all the time.

I've given up McDonalds for a month and a bit now. Try it! It's not that hard and it'll do your body good.

I miss my long(er) hair.

I want to see: I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Harry Potter, Bourne Ultimatum, License to Wed, Premonition, and The Zodiac. Anyone seen these yet and are they good?

Okay, times up (finally)! Gotta go pick up Dale.

QuickWrite
yellow speed bump, 10 km slow
i roll over it, scared to jump
laughing and squealing
music and crying
ice cream truck turning the corner
chocolate fudge, creamy vanilla
hot dogs roasting on the BBQ
summer in the air
smooth and silky is the wind
on the surface of my skin
my face, my legs
grazing the tips of my fingers
my new blue blades bringing possibility
summer in my mouth
10 cent freezies from the corner store
sweat from the world of play
freedom
the memory of days gone by
erased by time, maturity, age
youthful joy gone without it

-- written for LLED 438

Here I go again with my bouts of nostalgia, my stubborn tendency to relive the past, and yearn for its appearance in the present. It was a simple quickwrite using a poetic structure my prof picked up somewhere. It started with us imagining a window, deciding where we were in relation to that window, what we saw, what we heard, smelled, touched, tasted. And of course, being a sucker for those days of yore, I can't help but write about summers past. The Orchard, Surrey. Where I spent most of my elementary summer days sailing on my rollerblades, jumping speedbumps like the girls in Mighty Ducks, playing street hockey like one of the boys, eyeing my crush with youthful excitement, eating freezies and drinking slurpees, having waterfights, shooting hoops. Man, was I active! Then you get older and life (and your metabolism) slows down. You don't have enough energy (or maybe money too) to do the things you used to do. Plus things change. You move houses, make new friends, get more responsibility, grow up. Before you know it, you're an adult, married, starting a new career and possibly a family of your own. Where is the time you thought you had to do what you always said you would before you get married, get a real job, settle down? Where are the friends who said you'd be "friends forever?" Where is truth in that old lie: "Nothing will change"?

The Bible couldn't be more right in saying that life is like vapor; all men are like grass and their glory like the flowers of the field. The grass withers and the flowers fall. We are transient beings, destined to remain on earth only for a short time. Our experiences are transient, lasting only long enough to be enjoyed, to take action, or to learn from. Each moment, each minute, is transient. The second it begins, it's gone. These moments I am taking to write this blog I can never take back. Is writing this that important that I have given up these moments in my transient life that will never be returned to me? I should ask myself that when I watch 3 hours of TV or waste countless hours on Facebook or Youtube or...complaining about how life is so transient. I already know that. Now what am I doing about it? That is the question. I often wonder how my life would be like if I wasn't a Christian. Hah, that is the test of to what degree I am living a life worthy of my calling. Being a Christian is living with active perspective on the present and eternity. When I use "active", I mean a perspective that drives one to take action with conviction that Christ is truth and the ultimate reality. Truth be told, I would probably be the same person but with a whole lot of questions and a sense of empty longing for something more. Either that or I'd be gloating in whatever accomplishments I think have made me me. I know I'd still be intensely philosophical about everything. But my philosophy would get me nowhere, and I believe that deep down inside I would know that life according to me is not all there is to it. I think I would be an extremely selfish and self-centered person. Not that I don't exhibit those traits now but Christ in me helps me to put to death my old self. I don't know to what conclusion I am trying to reach with this blog. I don't think I'm trying to get at any conclusion, save for the fact that I am thankful for God's love. Perhaps that is the conclusive reminder I need to hear. He gave me a memorable childhood, a blessed youth, and at present is molding me as an adult through experiences that I know, ten years from now, I will look back on in wonder and amazement at just how good God is to me.

So yes, theoretically nothing remains constant. Theologically, however, God is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

Soul Food

I'm sold to the smooth sounds of Brooke Fraser. I totally didn't bother looking up who sang lead for "Hosanna" on the newest United CD, although I always wondered! I just saw some of her stuff on youtube and she is dooooooope. Just wanted to post a video of her singing. The song is so cute!

Asides

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your wise words and prayers. They were much needed and much appreciated. Nothing is impossible with the Lord.

Sincerely,
Me

One year of pure bliss... is so not what the first year of marriage is all about. It's not about keeping that "honeymoon" stage alive and well; it's not about not arguing and accepting everything with a nod and a smile; it's not about being superficial or giving up your right to your own preferences, it's not about you and it's not about him (or her). It's about growing, learning, loving, and transforming into the person (husband/wife) that God intends for you to be. It's about giving without expecting anything in return; it's about trust in the Lord and in His love for you above and beyond your love for each other; it's about learning the true meaning of love as defined by God and living it out through Christ in you; it's about loving selflessly and wholeheartedly with no hidden agendas, it's about being real and knowing that that 'real' is the good/bad/ugly/sad. It's about being humble, having fun, laughing together, crying together, praying together, staying together. It's about being one in Christ, which doesn't mean sharing the same hobbies or enjoying the same food. Rather, it means that amidst the differences Christ's love and life binds you together. Happy anniversary to us! Hehe. It's only been our first year of marriage and I've already learned much about him, me, and the grace of God. I am so thankful to the Lord for giving Dale to me. He truly does "complete me" (in the human sense of the word) and I am looking forward to what lies ahead in the years to come.

So, after a restful and yet active weekend in Whistler I'm back online. We made good use of the facilities at the Fairmont. Well, just the gym and pool. On Saturday, I had a nasty allergic reaction to something I ate or to the sunscreen I put on. Whatever it was made me break into hives which only irritated all the more my already rash-infested skin. Summer weather has done this to me for the last twenty years! It's a fact of life that, unfortunately, one or all of my kids will probably endure. No, we didn't make a baby...that is, I hope we didn't ;) I ate the best rib eye steak at Monk's Grill. We watched Transformers which was AWESOME. We ching-chang-pushed (me for Licenced to Wed and Dale for Transformers) and Dale won fair and square. Sometimes I think that I won't like certain movies and then when I watch them I end up loving them! Like Gridiron Gang. Dale borrowed the movie a couple of weeks ago and I was so not interested but watched with him anyways. As it turns out, it's now one of my favorite movies according to my Facebook profile, haha. Anyway, it was a nice getaway and I'm looking forward to our Calgary trip at the end of August.

Lately, God has been pruning me. Well, I know that he is consistently pruning me but perhaps it has only been recently that I have become aware of his pruning. I am drawn to the verse in John 15 that says "He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful." In ministry, I have always been one to avoid conflict. I just don't like it. Although I have been met with ideas, opinions, attitudes, and actions that I'm not particularly fond of or would think or have done otherwise myself, I always try to be accomodating to the extent that I cover up emotions that should be communicated. These emotions then turn into bitterness. Even though we may not be conscious of it, the bitterness surfaces in our thoughts and actions and we wonder why we are easily irritated at this person. I'm learning that sometimes conflict (the healthy kind where it's not about spitting out insults and creating emotional mayhem) is necessary and not entirely a bad thing. We can't all see eye to eye and sometimes our own ignorance or shortsightedness needs to be exposed and corrected. In other words, we need to be rebuked and likewise, we need to also speak the truth in love. The key is speaking the truth in love. Godly motives and intentions must take precedence and it is love that must fuel a person's endeavor. Otherwise, it becomes a game of wills and pride, something not characteristic of Christ. Anyhow, I need wisdom everyday to filter the thoughts that enter my mind. We all do.

The Treadmill Adaptation

I just got back from the gym and thought I'd blog about the mental process I endure while on the treadmill, something similar to the Christian life. It's been a metaphor I've been perfecting since I started being serious about getting a good cardio workout. I don't think it has yet reached perfection, but it's getting there. If ever I become a preacher (which will probably be never but you never know ;P) I'll have my first illustration. So here goes.

I've had asthma since I was 5 years old. When I was growing up, it deterred me from being actively involved in sports, although I did try to test my limits which almost always ended up with me in the hospital hooked up to an oxygen tank. Still, I was able to play basketball all through elementary and eighth grade. Because volleyball didn't require too much running (shortness of breath triggered my asthma attacks) I played until Grade 11. I could've continued, and I wish I had, but I decided to focus on my academics in my last year of high school. So that ended my athletic career. Since then, I play volleyball leisurely (mainly at functions like fam camps where it's just for fun) and stay away from sports that require a lot of running. Until now...dum dum dum.

When I first started going to the gym consistently I always dreaded the thought of running on the treadmill, even though I knew it would probably be the best means of a cardio workout in the shortest amount of time. I started out with 5 minutes and man, was it a struggle! Anyway, to get to the point. I've hit the 20 minute mark in the past couple of months but it is never easy. I no longer have to take my inhaler nor do I struggle to breath during or after I run, but the push to get started and the endurance to keep going, especially when I feel tired, are always obstacles I have to face. And in many ways, running on a treadmill is like the race we run as children of God.

I always have to mentally prepare myself for my cardio workout. I can't just hop on the treadmill and start running. Because a huge aspect of my workout is mental, I need to be focused otherwise I'll wimp out half way through. I start off at a slow and steady pace and move forward from there when I feel focused and ready to take on more speed and incline. Sometimes I'll top off at 5.5 and run that speed the whole way through, and that's okay. What matters the most to me is that I don't finish early or take a break. I want to keep on running, no matter how slow I go or how tired and sweaty I am. It's about finishing at that 20 minute mark. It's a bonus if I run longer, which I'm trying to do now hehe. There are times when I feel so tired and I'm only at 12 minutes. My mind wages war against my body and I'm tempted to reason with myself on the premise that I did pretty good considering I have asthma. But then I tell myself, I don't want to use that excuse. I don't want that to handicap my will to endure because of a physical ailment that (and I thank God) hasn't surfaced in a while. And when I reach that 20 minutes, I feel darn good that I stayed on for the whole run through and didn't give up.

You make the comparisons ;)

Frustration

Note: Read previous post first.

I'm drained. I feel like I've exhausted all my efforts to help my sister. It's not that I'm giving up on her because I'm not. I'm not giving up on my faith in God's healing power either. And why would I when there is nothing else out there that is more capable of lifting her out of this dark hole? If not God, then who? That's right, no one and nothing. But I'm only human and frustration is a by product of humanity's unrewarded efforts. There is really nothing more that I can do but pray. I know that frustration will get me nowhere unless it's turned into a fervent, unceasing cry to the Lord for a miracle. Today she told me that she doesn't want to be prayed for, but I told her that didn't matter. I would still pray. She told me that she's not depressed (even though a couple of days ago she heartedly admitted she was) and that people just don't understand her. I told her that yes, she is depressed and that people don't appear to understand her because she doesn't believe they can. Talking to her demands so much out of me that lately I feel like what's the use? She probably doesn't listen to me anyway.

I thought we were making progress. She came out with me today, even though she initially didn't want to. I told her that if she stays with us, she has to do what we do with us. So she came. We helped assemble the pieces for Hannah and Reggie's invitations before attending the prayer meeting at the Ner's. She wanted to go home but I didn't let her because I don't like her being by herself, especially lately because of her "hopelessness" mentality. She didn't join us when I asked her to. I know that right now, going to God is the last thing she wants to do. Why? Because, as she's told me, she's tried that already and He never helped her. "So you're just giving up on Him?" I asked her. "Yeah," she replied. She may have given up on Him, as she claims, but I'm holding on to Him for her. I've tried to encourage her by reading the Word to her, praying with her and for her, talking about God in my own life and in the lives of others, reassuring her that God is sovereign and loving towards all He has made, and just trying to make her laugh and see the good things about life and herself. I don't know if I've helped her at all, but I don't want to stop trying.

My Sister...

My younger sister has been staying with us for a couple of weeks now. It's more of a get-a-away than a vacation because she wasn't able to finish school this year. She came initially to help our cousin with her debut and cotillion, but because of the state she's in, that hasn't really pulled through. For the past year and a half, she has showed symptoms of depression but nothing significant was and has been done about it. I admit, I even thought that wasn't the case. Yes, she had become abnormally anti-social with others, but I found that she opened up to me (sometimes after much pushing). Yes, she had resigned to stay at home rather than go out (although this has improved), to speak almost in a whisper when in a crowd (or not even speak at all), to become easily irritable with my parents, to be emotional at odd times, to act and feel helpless and hopeless. I always wondered what was wrong with her; what had happened that had made her behavior so different from the girl that just a few years earlier was sociable, happy, and optimistic. I never thought it could be depression for three reasons: 1) I didn't really know what depression was, 2) She was too young to be depressed, and 3) she just couldn't be depressed. I don't know why I was so ignorant, but I was. Perhaps because depression (especially clinical) has been met with stigma in many Christian circles (I've had my share of presumptions). She hasn't been diagnosed yet, but I'm convinced she is.

At first I was reluctant to have her stay with us. I knew she needed a lot of attention and I, in my selfishness, didn't feel like stretching my comfort zone. A part of me was angry that she thought she could survive on her own apart from my parents when in reality she can't at all. Another part of me was annoyed at what she had let herself become. I was annoyed at her inability to see that she has a choice in everything, that each day doesn't have to be dark and depressing and it only is because she won't see it any other way. But, God changed my heart.

She has always been on my heart as someone I knew I needed to constantly pray for. When I was first informed of her drastic change of behavior I had already moved to BC. I cried and cried. I somehow blamed myself. I felt like I was a bad sister and that I didn't spend enough time with her while I was living with my family; that I could have done more to encourage her and build her up. But I knew deep down inside that it wasn't my fault. Sometimes things occur that have no logical explanation. I prayed that God would bring someone into her life that would be there for her, especially with all the moving that my family did during a crucial time in her adolescence. I wanted to be there for her, but I knew that I couldn't because we lived far apart. And now that I had an opportunity to make up for lost time, I was hesitant to take it. But I praise the Lord because He truly transforms a heart that is willing.

It hasn't been easy. I get irritated over petty things sometimes, but then the Lord reminds me that my sister isn't in her right mind. I can't expect from her what she is incapable of doing because of the depression that has handicapped her mental state. And what hurts the most is the cause of her depression: the LIES of the enemy. She let another person's behavior towards her dictate her value and worth as a person. She so convinced herself that she wasn't "normal" as a result of this person's attitude towards her, that she began to act abnormally. It's really complicated and I can't even grasp the extent of how deeply she let this person's view of her affect her. It has totally transformed her thought process that even her explanation of things doesn't make sense! But from talking with her and trying to make sense of what has led her to where she is now, this is what I end up with. It's frustrating sometimes because I want to fully understand her experience but I can't. And she gets frustrated when no one seems to fully understand her. But we can't. She's admitted that she needs professional help, but seems so unwilling to see things from a different standpoint. I keep telling her that if she sees a professional and that person tells her something that she either doesn't want to hear or doesn't believe to be the case, then nothing will change. Sometimes talking to her is like talking to a blank wall. Even though she has expressed her desire for help, she can't see past what's in front of her; she can't stop talking about the past, living in the past, regretting the past and what it has done to her.

I covet your prayers. Please pray with me for my sister. I do believe with all my heart that God is able to heal her, with or without seeking the help of a professional. I don't deny that He is all powerful and the God who saves. At the same time, I acknowledge that He uses people and even medication to help those who are suffering physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Desperate for Clarity

I wish I knew what the future had in store. I wish that the reward for hard work, dedication, and determination was everything falling into place. Sometimes and for some people, that is the case. For most, there is no tangible reward. The tunnel keeps on going and the light fades in and out. It's still there but unreachable, still a million miles away. The reward is in the process itself. It is in the journey to get where we hope and pray to be. It is character, godliness, and perseverance. It is in the daily surrender of our hopes, dreams, and fears to the Lord knowing that He holds the future, the final outcome of all our endless labour. That is the ideal, godly perspective of the neverending story, a perspective that I don't always have.

I should be happy that I was hired as a substitute for Surrey. Don't get me wrong, I totally am and I'm utterly grateful to the Lord for His provision. But as of late I've become worried with the status of my position. Will I work full time in the Fall (as I've heard TOCs in Surrey do)? Will a job posting open up that I am qualified to teach? If so, how will I know about it? How can I compete against a ton of other qualified teachers? Should I apply to other districts? (But I hate the interview process!) I've just recently discovered that the salary differs between districts, and Surrey is one of the lowest. My research has also revealed to me that beginning teachers get paid $10,000 more in Calgary than they do here, and max out with that same difference. On top of that, the cost of living isn't getting any lower here. To be honest, I never thought that I would be so preoccupied with how much I will get paid as a teacher. It was just never an issue with me. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. I also knew that a teacher's salary wasn't all that great, but that never once deterred me. Not that it has now, but it has become a concern and I can't help but let it dictate where I apply for work, especially now that I'm married and hoping to start a family in the next few years. Calgary is always an option, but that depends on Dale's application to U of C for next September, which we won't find out until early next year.

So for now, I'm learning patience. Patience and trust in the Lord's plans for us. Blogging about this has helped me gather my thoughts and obtain some clarity. I don't want to be driven by financial security but by the leading of the Holy Spirit. I don't want my secular job to dictate my foremost calling in life, which is to be a light to the world, a reflection of Christ. I want the opposite. I don't want to lose sight of what matters: the process; the journey.

I've missed blogging. I'm glad to be back for a fresh start.
These babies make me happy =)

Reaching for You

Life can be funny sometimes. That just goes to show that God has a sense of humor, whether we agree or like it, or not. One day your life can be going as usual and the next, totally "off course": met with surprise (like a surprise visit, news, encounter), sudden conflict, or an exchange of words you would have rather avoided. And after it comes, you're left with questions and/or exclamations like "What the heck just happened?" or "Why did this happen?" or "That was unexpected!" or "What do I do now?" I've been a victim of surprise in the last couple of weeks. And I know it's because God wants my attention. I've learned that everything happens for a purpose in light of eternity, and that everything that happens demands a godly response that is rooted in prayer. I haven't been all that prayerful lately, which is the reason for my lack of wisdom and lack of godly response to recent events that have occurred. I lack patience and am easily angered. I catch myself giving into pride without second thought. I'm self-centered and judgmental, easily annoyed and easily indifferent.

Lord, please break me once again. Give me a broken spirit and a contrite heart. Give me the strength that I need to follow you even when I don't know how to or where you are leading me. Teach me what it means to put the interests of others before my own; give me the courage that I need to speak the truth in love. Help me to love with a heart like Jesus.

Mean girls

It's interesting to be in a class full of teachers, or rather, pre-service teachers as they would like to call us ("they"meaning the institution). Most of us are pretty young. I would say that about 95% of the people in the secondary program are between the ages of 22 and 26. That fact probably accounts for the attitudes that some people choose to display, which as of late have started to annoy me. Some of my classes are like some of the classes I taught during my practicum. It's terribly ironic and hypocritical! There are the "too cool for school" students who make loud comments during class and snide remarks about the teacher behind his/her back, the super shy types who never speak up unless spoken to, and even then it's a stretch, the keeners who ask question after question only to contradict the answers given in order to (and this is probably a judgment, but perhaps a true one) boast how much they indeed know about the answer to the question they had originally posed, the supersmart people who just excel by nature (i hate those ones ;p), and the rest who just do their own thing uncategorized. It's amazing how often we contradict our own beliefs about education and good teaching when we're the student. We all hate students who segregate themselves, create cliques, talk out of turn, disrupt other students' learning, question everything, hate group work, are slackers, create 'drama', and yet, we act just like them! By "we" I mean the pre-service teachers in my program...not myself, of course ;P

Perhaps it's also a personality thing, but c'mon now. As teachers, there should be some effort put towards change!

Case Study 1:

To illustrate my point, I was recently involved in a group presentation for one of my classes. It was a group that I didn't expect to find myself in, seeing as we were given the liberty to choose our group members. However, one of my friends whom I met at the start of the course (turns out we worked at Summer Camps together 2 years ago although we didn't really know each other), agreed at that time (probably because she didn't see anyone she knew in the class when she sat beside me) to be in a group with me (I had to have some security for myself!). Well, it turns out that she was really good friends with the "cool" group of students who I didn't know and didn't care to know. When it came to presentation work time we had already agreed to work together so by default, I joined their group. It was an interesting experience being the odd one out in a group of people who knew each other well and were comfortable (I was basically non-existent except that I had my computer and typed everything up). It was also interesting to see the dynamics of group work play out where one person essentially dictated everything we were to do. I was too intimidated to speak very much (this is the classic disadvantage of group work). At the end, the presentation went fine. I mustered up the courage to email the group suggesting that we delegate facilitation tasks so that each of us would be "heard" during the presentation. No one emailed me back but I got my two cents in which is what matters ;P Now that the presentation is over, everything is back to "normal." They don't talk to or acknowledge me and I don't either. Case closed.

I like to think of myself as a likeable and sociable person. I've definitely come out of hiding since my undergrad years, although I'm not one of those students in the limelight, so to speak. I've probably made more friends in this program than I did my whole four years of undergrad! But, I guess some things are destined to remain as they are. That's cool with me. I tested the waters and found it incredibly salty but went for a swim anyway. Educationally, the most important lesson I learned was to ensure that I foster an inclusive classroom and structure for group work. That doesn't mean that people have to like each other (although this would be nice). It just means that they have to see the value of each person's ideas in addition to their own. Personally (and perhaps educationally as well), the most important lesson I learned was that the hot girls are often the mean girls. Hahaha.

A tell-tale heart

It's sad, really, when one doesn't trust God's will enough to let it be, despite how uncomfortable it might make one feel. It's not only sad, it's pathetic. It's pathetic because although God is sovereign, one still feels that one has the responsibility to take matters into one's own hand for the sake of one's...pride? One's time? One's convenience? How many times has one asked the Lord for forgiveness, for deliverance, for direction but yet lack the conviction that forgiveness must bring (true repentance), the reverence that deliverance should wrought, and the courage to go in the direction chosen by God? We are too quick to ask the Lord for this and that, for change and renewal, for wisdom and insight, without realizing what we are asking and our part in the process. Yes, God changes. Yes, God renews. Yes, God gives wisdom and insight to those who ask. But are we letting Him, allowing Him, giving ourselves over to His power within us? Constantly? Daily? Moment by moment? If we ask God for wisdom yet find ourselves reading everything else but Scripture, wisdom will not come our way. If we plead for God to change our hearts yet spend no time meditating upon His Word, nor give ear to the Holy Spirit's voice of truth, change cannot occur. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

So, we find ourselves in a dilemma. Do we stop at a willing spirit, positive thinking (which is really a disguise for pride), and repeated confession and repentance, confession and repentance, wherein we essentially sin all the more so that God's grace may increase (because we know He is ever so gracious, kind, and compassionate)? Or do we finally go a step further - stop believing in the illusion of self-autonomy. We are not and can never be autonomous, if you really think about it. For an extreme example, you could die in an instant with no control over it. If anything, some of us are pseudo-autonomous; we hold ourselves in such high regard when in reality we are nothing but a speck of dust in this universe.

So, what remains is a question of the will. Whose will are you trusting? Yours or His?

the beginning and the end

every so often i can't help myself when a familiar face, location, smell, or photo sends me down memory lane and then into utter sadness at how life has changed from being simple to more complex. during these moments tears escape me and i lament everything and nothing all at once. i miss people, places, events, laughter, closeness, being young, and carefree. i miss having no (or less) responsiblity, (ironically) a curfew, parents telling me i'm grounded, sibling rivalry, mom's filipino cooking, dinner around the table, my family. maybe i just miss my family, hehe. yes. and no. i think it's deeper than that. if one thing is for sure in this life, it's that it's in constant motion. people who were in your life five years ago are probably not today, at least not to the degree they were. and if they aren't today, does that mean they weren't really "in" your life to begin with? i'm not sure.

the beginning and the end. i've almost reached the end of my journey as a university student and pre-service teacher; and yet, it is a continuation of my life as a student (as we are constantly learning) and the beginning of my professional career as a teacher. it's pretty scary when i think about it. i think that's partly why i have these emotional bouts of "times past." life is moving forward and parts of me want it to stay as it is, or misses the way it was. in any case, i'm growing up and there's nothing i can do about it!

*waaaaah*

okay, no more wallowing. don't get me wrong; i am grateful to the Lord for His faithfulness in every aspect of my life and i'm excited for the future...

maybe it's my time of the month ;)

life accordingly

i've decided to begin a new blog to commemorate the next chapter of my life on this earth.

fyi: deenote is a derivation of "denote" and a play on my name and the definition.

de·note
1. to be a mark or sign of; indicate
2. to be a name or designation for; mean.
3. to represent by a symbol; stand as a symbol for

i denote much more than just "me"; my calling in life (as a professional but most especially as a child of the King) demands i live a denotable life. a life that is a sign of, that indicates, and that represents the One who is love, who loved the world, and who desires to love people back to Himself. when it comes down to it, everyone (students, parents, colleagues, friends, spouses, etc.) desires to be loved (it is, essentially, one of the basic needs in life), and only Christ's love is sufficient to fill the deep void that lies within mankind. i am an instrument of that love, and all that i say and do must denote His love.

easier said than done, i know. but as i have been constantly pondering the ways in which my identity in Christ must influence my practice as a professional, my role as a wife, sister, friend, daughter, youth worker, worship leader, this conviction of love is loud and clear.