My Sister...

My younger sister has been staying with us for a couple of weeks now. It's more of a get-a-away than a vacation because she wasn't able to finish school this year. She came initially to help our cousin with her debut and cotillion, but because of the state she's in, that hasn't really pulled through. For the past year and a half, she has showed symptoms of depression but nothing significant was and has been done about it. I admit, I even thought that wasn't the case. Yes, she had become abnormally anti-social with others, but I found that she opened up to me (sometimes after much pushing). Yes, she had resigned to stay at home rather than go out (although this has improved), to speak almost in a whisper when in a crowd (or not even speak at all), to become easily irritable with my parents, to be emotional at odd times, to act and feel helpless and hopeless. I always wondered what was wrong with her; what had happened that had made her behavior so different from the girl that just a few years earlier was sociable, happy, and optimistic. I never thought it could be depression for three reasons: 1) I didn't really know what depression was, 2) She was too young to be depressed, and 3) she just couldn't be depressed. I don't know why I was so ignorant, but I was. Perhaps because depression (especially clinical) has been met with stigma in many Christian circles (I've had my share of presumptions). She hasn't been diagnosed yet, but I'm convinced she is.

At first I was reluctant to have her stay with us. I knew she needed a lot of attention and I, in my selfishness, didn't feel like stretching my comfort zone. A part of me was angry that she thought she could survive on her own apart from my parents when in reality she can't at all. Another part of me was annoyed at what she had let herself become. I was annoyed at her inability to see that she has a choice in everything, that each day doesn't have to be dark and depressing and it only is because she won't see it any other way. But, God changed my heart.

She has always been on my heart as someone I knew I needed to constantly pray for. When I was first informed of her drastic change of behavior I had already moved to BC. I cried and cried. I somehow blamed myself. I felt like I was a bad sister and that I didn't spend enough time with her while I was living with my family; that I could have done more to encourage her and build her up. But I knew deep down inside that it wasn't my fault. Sometimes things occur that have no logical explanation. I prayed that God would bring someone into her life that would be there for her, especially with all the moving that my family did during a crucial time in her adolescence. I wanted to be there for her, but I knew that I couldn't because we lived far apart. And now that I had an opportunity to make up for lost time, I was hesitant to take it. But I praise the Lord because He truly transforms a heart that is willing.

It hasn't been easy. I get irritated over petty things sometimes, but then the Lord reminds me that my sister isn't in her right mind. I can't expect from her what she is incapable of doing because of the depression that has handicapped her mental state. And what hurts the most is the cause of her depression: the LIES of the enemy. She let another person's behavior towards her dictate her value and worth as a person. She so convinced herself that she wasn't "normal" as a result of this person's attitude towards her, that she began to act abnormally. It's really complicated and I can't even grasp the extent of how deeply she let this person's view of her affect her. It has totally transformed her thought process that even her explanation of things doesn't make sense! But from talking with her and trying to make sense of what has led her to where she is now, this is what I end up with. It's frustrating sometimes because I want to fully understand her experience but I can't. And she gets frustrated when no one seems to fully understand her. But we can't. She's admitted that she needs professional help, but seems so unwilling to see things from a different standpoint. I keep telling her that if she sees a professional and that person tells her something that she either doesn't want to hear or doesn't believe to be the case, then nothing will change. Sometimes talking to her is like talking to a blank wall. Even though she has expressed her desire for help, she can't see past what's in front of her; she can't stop talking about the past, living in the past, regretting the past and what it has done to her.

I covet your prayers. Please pray with me for my sister. I do believe with all my heart that God is able to heal her, with or without seeking the help of a professional. I don't deny that He is all powerful and the God who saves. At the same time, I acknowledge that He uses people and even medication to help those who are suffering physically, mentally, or emotionally.