The Treadmill Adaptation

I just got back from the gym and thought I'd blog about the mental process I endure while on the treadmill, something similar to the Christian life. It's been a metaphor I've been perfecting since I started being serious about getting a good cardio workout. I don't think it has yet reached perfection, but it's getting there. If ever I become a preacher (which will probably be never but you never know ;P) I'll have my first illustration. So here goes.

I've had asthma since I was 5 years old. When I was growing up, it deterred me from being actively involved in sports, although I did try to test my limits which almost always ended up with me in the hospital hooked up to an oxygen tank. Still, I was able to play basketball all through elementary and eighth grade. Because volleyball didn't require too much running (shortness of breath triggered my asthma attacks) I played until Grade 11. I could've continued, and I wish I had, but I decided to focus on my academics in my last year of high school. So that ended my athletic career. Since then, I play volleyball leisurely (mainly at functions like fam camps where it's just for fun) and stay away from sports that require a lot of running. Until now...dum dum dum.

When I first started going to the gym consistently I always dreaded the thought of running on the treadmill, even though I knew it would probably be the best means of a cardio workout in the shortest amount of time. I started out with 5 minutes and man, was it a struggle! Anyway, to get to the point. I've hit the 20 minute mark in the past couple of months but it is never easy. I no longer have to take my inhaler nor do I struggle to breath during or after I run, but the push to get started and the endurance to keep going, especially when I feel tired, are always obstacles I have to face. And in many ways, running on a treadmill is like the race we run as children of God.

I always have to mentally prepare myself for my cardio workout. I can't just hop on the treadmill and start running. Because a huge aspect of my workout is mental, I need to be focused otherwise I'll wimp out half way through. I start off at a slow and steady pace and move forward from there when I feel focused and ready to take on more speed and incline. Sometimes I'll top off at 5.5 and run that speed the whole way through, and that's okay. What matters the most to me is that I don't finish early or take a break. I want to keep on running, no matter how slow I go or how tired and sweaty I am. It's about finishing at that 20 minute mark. It's a bonus if I run longer, which I'm trying to do now hehe. There are times when I feel so tired and I'm only at 12 minutes. My mind wages war against my body and I'm tempted to reason with myself on the premise that I did pretty good considering I have asthma. But then I tell myself, I don't want to use that excuse. I don't want that to handicap my will to endure because of a physical ailment that (and I thank God) hasn't surfaced in a while. And when I reach that 20 minutes, I feel darn good that I stayed on for the whole run through and didn't give up.

You make the comparisons ;)

Frustration

Note: Read previous post first.

I'm drained. I feel like I've exhausted all my efforts to help my sister. It's not that I'm giving up on her because I'm not. I'm not giving up on my faith in God's healing power either. And why would I when there is nothing else out there that is more capable of lifting her out of this dark hole? If not God, then who? That's right, no one and nothing. But I'm only human and frustration is a by product of humanity's unrewarded efforts. There is really nothing more that I can do but pray. I know that frustration will get me nowhere unless it's turned into a fervent, unceasing cry to the Lord for a miracle. Today she told me that she doesn't want to be prayed for, but I told her that didn't matter. I would still pray. She told me that she's not depressed (even though a couple of days ago she heartedly admitted she was) and that people just don't understand her. I told her that yes, she is depressed and that people don't appear to understand her because she doesn't believe they can. Talking to her demands so much out of me that lately I feel like what's the use? She probably doesn't listen to me anyway.

I thought we were making progress. She came out with me today, even though she initially didn't want to. I told her that if she stays with us, she has to do what we do with us. So she came. We helped assemble the pieces for Hannah and Reggie's invitations before attending the prayer meeting at the Ner's. She wanted to go home but I didn't let her because I don't like her being by herself, especially lately because of her "hopelessness" mentality. She didn't join us when I asked her to. I know that right now, going to God is the last thing she wants to do. Why? Because, as she's told me, she's tried that already and He never helped her. "So you're just giving up on Him?" I asked her. "Yeah," she replied. She may have given up on Him, as she claims, but I'm holding on to Him for her. I've tried to encourage her by reading the Word to her, praying with her and for her, talking about God in my own life and in the lives of others, reassuring her that God is sovereign and loving towards all He has made, and just trying to make her laugh and see the good things about life and herself. I don't know if I've helped her at all, but I don't want to stop trying.

My Sister...

My younger sister has been staying with us for a couple of weeks now. It's more of a get-a-away than a vacation because she wasn't able to finish school this year. She came initially to help our cousin with her debut and cotillion, but because of the state she's in, that hasn't really pulled through. For the past year and a half, she has showed symptoms of depression but nothing significant was and has been done about it. I admit, I even thought that wasn't the case. Yes, she had become abnormally anti-social with others, but I found that she opened up to me (sometimes after much pushing). Yes, she had resigned to stay at home rather than go out (although this has improved), to speak almost in a whisper when in a crowd (or not even speak at all), to become easily irritable with my parents, to be emotional at odd times, to act and feel helpless and hopeless. I always wondered what was wrong with her; what had happened that had made her behavior so different from the girl that just a few years earlier was sociable, happy, and optimistic. I never thought it could be depression for three reasons: 1) I didn't really know what depression was, 2) She was too young to be depressed, and 3) she just couldn't be depressed. I don't know why I was so ignorant, but I was. Perhaps because depression (especially clinical) has been met with stigma in many Christian circles (I've had my share of presumptions). She hasn't been diagnosed yet, but I'm convinced she is.

At first I was reluctant to have her stay with us. I knew she needed a lot of attention and I, in my selfishness, didn't feel like stretching my comfort zone. A part of me was angry that she thought she could survive on her own apart from my parents when in reality she can't at all. Another part of me was annoyed at what she had let herself become. I was annoyed at her inability to see that she has a choice in everything, that each day doesn't have to be dark and depressing and it only is because she won't see it any other way. But, God changed my heart.

She has always been on my heart as someone I knew I needed to constantly pray for. When I was first informed of her drastic change of behavior I had already moved to BC. I cried and cried. I somehow blamed myself. I felt like I was a bad sister and that I didn't spend enough time with her while I was living with my family; that I could have done more to encourage her and build her up. But I knew deep down inside that it wasn't my fault. Sometimes things occur that have no logical explanation. I prayed that God would bring someone into her life that would be there for her, especially with all the moving that my family did during a crucial time in her adolescence. I wanted to be there for her, but I knew that I couldn't because we lived far apart. And now that I had an opportunity to make up for lost time, I was hesitant to take it. But I praise the Lord because He truly transforms a heart that is willing.

It hasn't been easy. I get irritated over petty things sometimes, but then the Lord reminds me that my sister isn't in her right mind. I can't expect from her what she is incapable of doing because of the depression that has handicapped her mental state. And what hurts the most is the cause of her depression: the LIES of the enemy. She let another person's behavior towards her dictate her value and worth as a person. She so convinced herself that she wasn't "normal" as a result of this person's attitude towards her, that she began to act abnormally. It's really complicated and I can't even grasp the extent of how deeply she let this person's view of her affect her. It has totally transformed her thought process that even her explanation of things doesn't make sense! But from talking with her and trying to make sense of what has led her to where she is now, this is what I end up with. It's frustrating sometimes because I want to fully understand her experience but I can't. And she gets frustrated when no one seems to fully understand her. But we can't. She's admitted that she needs professional help, but seems so unwilling to see things from a different standpoint. I keep telling her that if she sees a professional and that person tells her something that she either doesn't want to hear or doesn't believe to be the case, then nothing will change. Sometimes talking to her is like talking to a blank wall. Even though she has expressed her desire for help, she can't see past what's in front of her; she can't stop talking about the past, living in the past, regretting the past and what it has done to her.

I covet your prayers. Please pray with me for my sister. I do believe with all my heart that God is able to heal her, with or without seeking the help of a professional. I don't deny that He is all powerful and the God who saves. At the same time, I acknowledge that He uses people and even medication to help those who are suffering physically, mentally, or emotionally.

Desperate for Clarity

I wish I knew what the future had in store. I wish that the reward for hard work, dedication, and determination was everything falling into place. Sometimes and for some people, that is the case. For most, there is no tangible reward. The tunnel keeps on going and the light fades in and out. It's still there but unreachable, still a million miles away. The reward is in the process itself. It is in the journey to get where we hope and pray to be. It is character, godliness, and perseverance. It is in the daily surrender of our hopes, dreams, and fears to the Lord knowing that He holds the future, the final outcome of all our endless labour. That is the ideal, godly perspective of the neverending story, a perspective that I don't always have.

I should be happy that I was hired as a substitute for Surrey. Don't get me wrong, I totally am and I'm utterly grateful to the Lord for His provision. But as of late I've become worried with the status of my position. Will I work full time in the Fall (as I've heard TOCs in Surrey do)? Will a job posting open up that I am qualified to teach? If so, how will I know about it? How can I compete against a ton of other qualified teachers? Should I apply to other districts? (But I hate the interview process!) I've just recently discovered that the salary differs between districts, and Surrey is one of the lowest. My research has also revealed to me that beginning teachers get paid $10,000 more in Calgary than they do here, and max out with that same difference. On top of that, the cost of living isn't getting any lower here. To be honest, I never thought that I would be so preoccupied with how much I will get paid as a teacher. It was just never an issue with me. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher. I also knew that a teacher's salary wasn't all that great, but that never once deterred me. Not that it has now, but it has become a concern and I can't help but let it dictate where I apply for work, especially now that I'm married and hoping to start a family in the next few years. Calgary is always an option, but that depends on Dale's application to U of C for next September, which we won't find out until early next year.

So for now, I'm learning patience. Patience and trust in the Lord's plans for us. Blogging about this has helped me gather my thoughts and obtain some clarity. I don't want to be driven by financial security but by the leading of the Holy Spirit. I don't want my secular job to dictate my foremost calling in life, which is to be a light to the world, a reflection of Christ. I want the opposite. I don't want to lose sight of what matters: the process; the journey.

I've missed blogging. I'm glad to be back for a fresh start.
These babies make me happy =)

Reaching for You

Life can be funny sometimes. That just goes to show that God has a sense of humor, whether we agree or like it, or not. One day your life can be going as usual and the next, totally "off course": met with surprise (like a surprise visit, news, encounter), sudden conflict, or an exchange of words you would have rather avoided. And after it comes, you're left with questions and/or exclamations like "What the heck just happened?" or "Why did this happen?" or "That was unexpected!" or "What do I do now?" I've been a victim of surprise in the last couple of weeks. And I know it's because God wants my attention. I've learned that everything happens for a purpose in light of eternity, and that everything that happens demands a godly response that is rooted in prayer. I haven't been all that prayerful lately, which is the reason for my lack of wisdom and lack of godly response to recent events that have occurred. I lack patience and am easily angered. I catch myself giving into pride without second thought. I'm self-centered and judgmental, easily annoyed and easily indifferent.

Lord, please break me once again. Give me a broken spirit and a contrite heart. Give me the strength that I need to follow you even when I don't know how to or where you are leading me. Teach me what it means to put the interests of others before my own; give me the courage that I need to speak the truth in love. Help me to love with a heart like Jesus.

Mean girls

It's interesting to be in a class full of teachers, or rather, pre-service teachers as they would like to call us ("they"meaning the institution). Most of us are pretty young. I would say that about 95% of the people in the secondary program are between the ages of 22 and 26. That fact probably accounts for the attitudes that some people choose to display, which as of late have started to annoy me. Some of my classes are like some of the classes I taught during my practicum. It's terribly ironic and hypocritical! There are the "too cool for school" students who make loud comments during class and snide remarks about the teacher behind his/her back, the super shy types who never speak up unless spoken to, and even then it's a stretch, the keeners who ask question after question only to contradict the answers given in order to (and this is probably a judgment, but perhaps a true one) boast how much they indeed know about the answer to the question they had originally posed, the supersmart people who just excel by nature (i hate those ones ;p), and the rest who just do their own thing uncategorized. It's amazing how often we contradict our own beliefs about education and good teaching when we're the student. We all hate students who segregate themselves, create cliques, talk out of turn, disrupt other students' learning, question everything, hate group work, are slackers, create 'drama', and yet, we act just like them! By "we" I mean the pre-service teachers in my program...not myself, of course ;P

Perhaps it's also a personality thing, but c'mon now. As teachers, there should be some effort put towards change!

Case Study 1:

To illustrate my point, I was recently involved in a group presentation for one of my classes. It was a group that I didn't expect to find myself in, seeing as we were given the liberty to choose our group members. However, one of my friends whom I met at the start of the course (turns out we worked at Summer Camps together 2 years ago although we didn't really know each other), agreed at that time (probably because she didn't see anyone she knew in the class when she sat beside me) to be in a group with me (I had to have some security for myself!). Well, it turns out that she was really good friends with the "cool" group of students who I didn't know and didn't care to know. When it came to presentation work time we had already agreed to work together so by default, I joined their group. It was an interesting experience being the odd one out in a group of people who knew each other well and were comfortable (I was basically non-existent except that I had my computer and typed everything up). It was also interesting to see the dynamics of group work play out where one person essentially dictated everything we were to do. I was too intimidated to speak very much (this is the classic disadvantage of group work). At the end, the presentation went fine. I mustered up the courage to email the group suggesting that we delegate facilitation tasks so that each of us would be "heard" during the presentation. No one emailed me back but I got my two cents in which is what matters ;P Now that the presentation is over, everything is back to "normal." They don't talk to or acknowledge me and I don't either. Case closed.

I like to think of myself as a likeable and sociable person. I've definitely come out of hiding since my undergrad years, although I'm not one of those students in the limelight, so to speak. I've probably made more friends in this program than I did my whole four years of undergrad! But, I guess some things are destined to remain as they are. That's cool with me. I tested the waters and found it incredibly salty but went for a swim anyway. Educationally, the most important lesson I learned was to ensure that I foster an inclusive classroom and structure for group work. That doesn't mean that people have to like each other (although this would be nice). It just means that they have to see the value of each person's ideas in addition to their own. Personally (and perhaps educationally as well), the most important lesson I learned was that the hot girls are often the mean girls. Hahaha.

A tell-tale heart

It's sad, really, when one doesn't trust God's will enough to let it be, despite how uncomfortable it might make one feel. It's not only sad, it's pathetic. It's pathetic because although God is sovereign, one still feels that one has the responsibility to take matters into one's own hand for the sake of one's...pride? One's time? One's convenience? How many times has one asked the Lord for forgiveness, for deliverance, for direction but yet lack the conviction that forgiveness must bring (true repentance), the reverence that deliverance should wrought, and the courage to go in the direction chosen by God? We are too quick to ask the Lord for this and that, for change and renewal, for wisdom and insight, without realizing what we are asking and our part in the process. Yes, God changes. Yes, God renews. Yes, God gives wisdom and insight to those who ask. But are we letting Him, allowing Him, giving ourselves over to His power within us? Constantly? Daily? Moment by moment? If we ask God for wisdom yet find ourselves reading everything else but Scripture, wisdom will not come our way. If we plead for God to change our hearts yet spend no time meditating upon His Word, nor give ear to the Holy Spirit's voice of truth, change cannot occur. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.

So, we find ourselves in a dilemma. Do we stop at a willing spirit, positive thinking (which is really a disguise for pride), and repeated confession and repentance, confession and repentance, wherein we essentially sin all the more so that God's grace may increase (because we know He is ever so gracious, kind, and compassionate)? Or do we finally go a step further - stop believing in the illusion of self-autonomy. We are not and can never be autonomous, if you really think about it. For an extreme example, you could die in an instant with no control over it. If anything, some of us are pseudo-autonomous; we hold ourselves in such high regard when in reality we are nothing but a speck of dust in this universe.

So, what remains is a question of the will. Whose will are you trusting? Yours or His?

the beginning and the end

every so often i can't help myself when a familiar face, location, smell, or photo sends me down memory lane and then into utter sadness at how life has changed from being simple to more complex. during these moments tears escape me and i lament everything and nothing all at once. i miss people, places, events, laughter, closeness, being young, and carefree. i miss having no (or less) responsiblity, (ironically) a curfew, parents telling me i'm grounded, sibling rivalry, mom's filipino cooking, dinner around the table, my family. maybe i just miss my family, hehe. yes. and no. i think it's deeper than that. if one thing is for sure in this life, it's that it's in constant motion. people who were in your life five years ago are probably not today, at least not to the degree they were. and if they aren't today, does that mean they weren't really "in" your life to begin with? i'm not sure.

the beginning and the end. i've almost reached the end of my journey as a university student and pre-service teacher; and yet, it is a continuation of my life as a student (as we are constantly learning) and the beginning of my professional career as a teacher. it's pretty scary when i think about it. i think that's partly why i have these emotional bouts of "times past." life is moving forward and parts of me want it to stay as it is, or misses the way it was. in any case, i'm growing up and there's nothing i can do about it!

*waaaaah*

okay, no more wallowing. don't get me wrong; i am grateful to the Lord for His faithfulness in every aspect of my life and i'm excited for the future...

maybe it's my time of the month ;)

life accordingly

i've decided to begin a new blog to commemorate the next chapter of my life on this earth.

fyi: deenote is a derivation of "denote" and a play on my name and the definition.

de·note
1. to be a mark or sign of; indicate
2. to be a name or designation for; mean.
3. to represent by a symbol; stand as a symbol for

i denote much more than just "me"; my calling in life (as a professional but most especially as a child of the King) demands i live a denotable life. a life that is a sign of, that indicates, and that represents the One who is love, who loved the world, and who desires to love people back to Himself. when it comes down to it, everyone (students, parents, colleagues, friends, spouses, etc.) desires to be loved (it is, essentially, one of the basic needs in life), and only Christ's love is sufficient to fill the deep void that lies within mankind. i am an instrument of that love, and all that i say and do must denote His love.

easier said than done, i know. but as i have been constantly pondering the ways in which my identity in Christ must influence my practice as a professional, my role as a wife, sister, friend, daughter, youth worker, worship leader, this conviction of love is loud and clear.