Baby Bits

I thought I'd be able to get an extra hour of sleep this morning, but no. This little one already knows how to keep her momma up! I complain now of lack of sleep and physical uncomfortability; I can only imagine how worse it's still going to get.

But I know it's all worth it.

Ode to Insecurity (and I digress)

Insecurity, my long time foe:
It's been a while since that time I said no
to you. I've kept my distance and closed my thoughts
but now, vulnerable, I've unabashedly let you wrought
your need for control, your sly demeanor
your waste of time, and your 'compare yourself' endeavors
to render me stricken with stupid and ridiculous thoughts
like "What if," "How come," "It's not fair" dot, dot, dot.

You really are a waste of time
yet you know when to show up and how long to linger until I whine
that life's not fair and it sucks to be me;
I'm sinking again in a whirlpool of doubt and it's hard to see
that faith is the answer that dispels you, insecurity.
I know this as a fact, I've experienced what it's like to be free;
but I'm struggling again to fight for this reality.

God, help me - please - to remember that in you
I am secure, have peace, am loved, and am being made new.

Rants in my Pants

I've had a draining week, for a number of reasons. The first being that I'm pregnant. Not that I can blame being drained on the pregnancy, but I'm sure it's part of it. If I wasn't pregnant I probably wouldn't be as tired or as annoyed at students (those who honestly merit annoyance), and feel like I want to start my mat leave three months early. My students (but really there is only a handful of them) have been driving me crazy. I consider myself a pretty patient and good-natured teacher most, if not all, of the time. In my short career so far, I haven't had to deal with extreme behavioral or disciplinary issues because I usually find a way to build a good rapport with students - even the 'bad' ones - but having to put up with whiny twelve-year olds who do one or all of the following (sometimes at the same time), can make a person mad (as in the emotion and the mental state): act like they are two-years-old, complain when they can't find their pencil, whine (yes, just whine), cut paper, take apart pens and blow on the open hole, constantly exhibit eccentric behavior like clicking the roof of their mouths, 'explode' their binders, ask non-sensical, irrelevant questions or hypothetical question after hypothetical question, throw a pen across the room while I'm reading aloud to the class. These are some of the things I've had to deal with this week alone.

I hate kicking students out of my room and I try to avoid it as much as possible; but lately, it's becoming an every day routine. Is it my heightened impatience-as-a-result-of-pregnancy with those brats? Or have I actually reached my breaking point and age-limit I can and will teach?

I think it's both. I've often said seventh grade is the youngest I'll teach. Maybe it's a bit too young for me. Oh, how I miss the long forgotten maturity of teenagers!

The second reason why I've had a draining week so far is because I haven't been spending much needed time with the Lord. My days have been busy and I've opted to sleep early, watch TV, or *ahem* blog rather than find rest in solitude, prayer, and scripture. I know it and I know that is a huge factor in my lack of patience, lack of energy, and lack of motivation right now. I can't blame it all on being pregnant.

Thankfully, I've taken the day off tomorrow to attend to medical appointments and such. The ironic thing is, I hate taking days off (however entitled I am and even when I'm sick) because I worry about my kids not getting anything done with a substitute. How crazy am I?

Wonder Worker

That's God.

You just never know what He is doing behind-the-scenes, and when He'll reveal those wonders. His timing is always perfect.

Until then - believe, trust, pray, act, repeat.

It's all relational.

Today after work I had "coffee" (a smoothie) with a friend and was reminded of the importance and necessity of friendship and encouragement, conversations and growing. Which requires another to happen. I've always been an introvert to some extent, scoring high on the "deep thinker" category of personality tests and preferring time alone (surprised?) over time in a crowd, even a crowd of friends (I'm a closet loner ;p). But I'm learning that although I have my personal preferences and personality traits, imitating Christ and being conformed into Christlikeness involves and demands a stretch of (or out of) the intently personal side of ourselves. Something that only God is able to do in me.

One of my personal desires and commitments this year (and every year but particularly this year since who knows how long we have to live) is to experience personal and spiritual growth. On the physical (and I guess mental) front that is inevitable (I'm going to be a Mom soon! - God willing); growth in the spiritual aspect, however, doesn't happen without intention, discipline, and a surrender to the molding of the Holy Spirit, even if that requires rebuke, being vulnerable, being corrected, or getting my 'pride' hurt. And although we can never underestimate the power and work of the Holy Spirit to reveal much of our weaknesses, shortcomings, and faults to us directly and primarily through the Word, we can't deny that He also uses people to "sharpen" us - "As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." But again, this doesn't happen without the right heart to receive it or the humility to ask for it.

I listened to a wonderful online sermon on wisdom by Joshua Harris a couple of weeks ago that has left an impression on my heart. Click on the link below to be re-directed to the site. Enjoy and be changed for His glory and our joy.

An Indicator to Whether You Are Wise or Foolish: "An Indicator to Whether You Are Wise or Foolish from the Desiring God blog."

Baby Bits

Pray I don't (and the baby doesn't) get listeriosis from having eaten a bit of feta cheese on my gyro souvlaki this evening. Apparently, some cheeses like feta may be unpasteurized and could carry this harmful bacteria that could be fatal to a growing fetus.

I'm not worried. But I did panic for a second. Okay, a minute. Maybe two.

On a brighter note, the baby's kicking me up high near my belly button at the moment. It's the greatest feeling in being pregnant!

Routine

It isn't necessarily a bad thing. I'm glad to be back at work simply because I'm back to a regular routine of things, something I actually quite missed during the holidays. It's not always the most beneficial thing to "let yourself go" completely when you have a change in schedule (like when on vacation) because you may regret it later. Especially when you're pregnant, like me. I gained about 5 lbs in 9 days while in Vancouver. Seeing as it is highly impossible I will lose that weight in the next 3 months, I am determined to not gain any weight other than whatever the baby should gain in the next month or so. Here's hoping!

On the contrary, with routine comes the return of busyness which I am equally determined to avoid in the next three and a half months. And with busyness comes sin of omission and putting quality time with God on the back burner in favor of more immediate tasks (or even tasks that aren't so necessary). I'm taking one day at a time, slowing down my pace, quieting my heart (even for a moment) throughout the day just to pray, and committing myself to spending time in the Word or reading the words of those inspired by the Word before I go to bed. You should too. It will make a world of difference in the regular routine of your day.

That being said, time to get ready for bed!

Baby Bits

Today marks the beginning of the 25th week of my pregnancy (15 more to go - maybe less!). I never used to understand why my pregnant women friends always counted in weeks instead of months, but being pregnant now it totally makes sense. And if you didn't know, a women is pregnant for 10 months (not 9, unless you understand it to be 9 full months). So, for those who need clarification, I'm in my 6th month of pregnancy. Time has flown by!

Baby is moving A LOT these days – praise God! She startles me with her kicks at times that little “Oh’s!” escape through my breath. It’s a funny sensation, much like when I feel gaseous and my belly makes popping vibrations, except I can feel the kicks on the surface of my skin and today, for the first time, I saw my belly move! Dale missed it, though. He sat and started at the spot I saw her move for a good 35 seconds but didn’t catch her. Too bad for him!

It's a new year...

I quote a tweet from my favorite biblical scholar and teacher, John Piper (he is finally back on twitter after an 8 month sabbatical): "God promises new troubles (Matt. 6:34), new mercies (Lam. 3:23) and new hope (2 Cor. 4:16) for every day this year."

This morning I didn't plan to start off my day with a prayer. It's not something I usually do first thing in the morning. Don't get me wrong, I want to develop the habit but my mornings are usually quite busy and when it's not (like the past 2 weeks since I've been on holidays) I like to lay still in bed, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Mindlessly at times (as of recent), I check twitter. This morning, when I happened upon John Piper's tweet, I couldn't help but say aloud to myself "So true." And I immediately closed my eyes and spoke to God, acknowledging him as the God I love and serve as Lord and King, sovereign over all that happens in my life here on earth.

It's a new year and one that will indubitably be filled with promise, hope, dreams coming true (because God is always so good to us) but also one of trouble, frustration, anxiety, perhaps grief and sorrow, and pain. Let's not kid ourselves. The world isn't a happy place and unless you aren't human (or an escapist - but even then you still confront unwanted human emotions) you'll have to agree. One thing (okay, three things) I'm certain will remain unchangeable, unshakable, almighty, and loving throughout all my experiences and emotions this new year is God's presence, his power, and his peace. If we acknowledge Him in all things, I firmly believe that nothing will be able to rob us of the fullness of joy that is found in knowing that he is near at all times. Even those times when we don't feel him there.

So, cheers to a new year. May it bring each of us one step (or even more) closer to knowing ourselves and our Creator better so that we can joyfully live out the life he intends for us to live through Jesus - to the praise of His glory.