The Resolve of Difference

I'm really excited to be back at work! No, really. After a good summer break and times of reflection, I feel like its time to get back into the swing of things...with a different kind of swing.

On another note, I have a good friend (who has requested to remain anonymous at this time) who is in need of your prayers. Just recently, this friend was given some surprising news about his health; basically, that he could have cancer. He is still undergoing some tests to confirm a diagnosis. Please pray for God's comfort to surround Him and lift his spirit; please pray that he will still believe and stand firm in God's love for him; and please pray that the test results will bear good news.

Thanks, you.

Settling the heart

Since the start of summer, unease has uncomfortably burrowed itself inside me with no apparent signs of leaving. I couldn't pinpoint the reason after much contemplative inquiry and prayer, and I still am not certain although I think a part of the unease is reflective of what I am doing (or not doing) in life and the conviction that I could be and do more. I'm not talking about moving up in the academic world, or looking for a different job, or making more money, or owning more material possessions. I'm talking about my identity as a child of God, as a minister of the gospel of Jesus Christ, as a mere human who has been chosen and set apart by God to do and to be all that I was created to do and be in Christ. I can't help thinking that I've fallen short, and am falling short, of that. I guess in many ways the realization and unease is a good thing; I can't go on the same. Some things need to change. I need to change. At the same time, it hurts to know I've wasted too much time on things that don't matter and too much energy on tasks for the moment, for personal gain, for something to do.

I had the privilege this summer of visiting a place deemed one of the most beautiful places in the world - Hawai'i. Not quite a world away but definitely some beautiful landscapes to take in that (almost) make you forget the heaviness in your heart...or help you put it into perspective. I find that if anything, when a beautiful ocean sits before my eyes, or mountain summits, or a birds-eye view of the world below on an airplane ride to anywhere, the more I cannot help but reflect on my life, on life in general; the more questions arise, the more finite I feel, the more futility I determine in actions, the more doing and being make sense and in what order and how.

That probably made no sense at all.

So here I am again, looking for solace in writing but not so much for you as for me. My heart yearns for more than this and I am trusting that God will satisfy that more with Himself.

Five days left of work! The past week has been the slackest; I love it! No more late night planning, endless marking, having to deal with hormonic raging, ETC. I'm glad to have a break and am SO looking forward to summer. Next year is going to be interesting but I'm excited - I'm teaching Grade 7s for the first time! Thankfully, I have huge support and a lot of materials to peruse from the teachers at my school.

It's been an interesting two months (going from the date of my last blog) on all levels. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, allowed things to happen that did not make too much sense at the time but now do (to some degree). He always manages to keep us on our toes with things that matter the most to us so that we trust Him every step of the way.

I'm at work about to start my exam supervision. Til next time...

I'm feeling down. I both know and don't know why.

I just spent the last 5 hours prepping for the next two weeks. It was a very productive 5 hours, and it wasn't. It was because I was doing something related to my job which in turn provides an income which in turn helps pay for our basic necessities. And it wasn't because my spirit wasn't being fed; and it needs to be.

Which begs the question: Why am I blogging right now?

I don't know.

"Christ's love compels me..."

The church preaches the life-changing, sin-forgiving, all-powerful love of Christ that a person can experience in his or her life. We preach the gospel and we pray relentlessly for our unbelieving family and friends. And rightly so because the Word of God is true and so is the power of God that raised Jesus from the dead - that same power that is now at work within us (Eph. 3). There is no other name given in heaven or on earth from which we can be saved.

But I can't help but think: we eat our very words and deface the testimony of Christ when, within our own churches among those who are followers of Jesus, there is envy, dissension, jealousy, pride, gossip, slander, hatred, discord, rage, hypocrisy, malice. No wonder those we are trying to 'witness' to don't see any witness at all.

When we do not allow the Spirit to change us and yet preach Christ's power to change, we not only show ourselves as hypocrites, but we also defame Christ - God himself - in the eyes of the very people we are trying to 'win'.

Time for a reality check.

Weekend Recap

Friday night: Youth. The topic was "If we know we have been saved from death AND sin, why do we as Christians still wrestle or struggle with sin in our lives?" The answer has more layers than you think. Romans 5-6.

Saturday: Riding at Sunshine. A great day to say the least. My body aches all over (I am totally in shape) but working on my toe carves was worth all the wipe outs! This was pretty much an all day event. In the evening I could barely keep my eyes open to watch the sad Canucks game.

Sadly, below is the only memory I have of the day =(. Dale's phone camera is pretty clear though!





Sunday: Church in the morning, vietnamese for lunch, salmon and Dale's awesome potatoes for dinner, planning and marking all evening.

I don't know why I felt compelled to write about what I did this weekend when it was pretty regular (except for the snowboarding bit), but what are blogs without posts that simply reflect the external goings-on of the day?

Back to work tomorrow!

So, I was in the ladies staff bathroom doing my thing when I reached for the door to leave and I saw this:





I couldn't stop laughing! I know there is something horribly disturbing about this animation, but you have to admit: it's (disturbingly) funny.

Tuesdays

One of my favorite weekdays because I get to hang out and study the Word with our small group (and I mean small - there's 7 of us when everyone is present). We usually have it at our place but tonight it was at Brad's (aka. my parents' basement suite) and it was movie night. We watched Slumdog Millionaire. Great movie. I enjoyed every part of it, particularly the portrayal of unconditional, unwavering, persistent-against-all-odds love.

Very similar to God's love for us.

Three more days until the weekend! Not that I'm counting down. Okay, I just did. I'm still recovering from Spring Break - but seriously, I love and am blessed to have the kind of job that I do. Not everyone gets to spend their days with 30 other people doing fun stuff (English and Social Studies is FUN) that I come up with and getting paid for it!

Hello? Can anyone hear me?

Does ANYONE still blog out there? I miss you!

Home Alone

Dale and Mark went to the Flames vs. Wild game tonight at the Saddledome (compliments of my co-worker - and they were free!). I was a bit surprised when Dale agreed to take the tickets, considering it isn't the Canucks but then again, "hockey is hockey" (as quoted by Mark). I wonder who they will cheer for, or if they will cheer at all since they don't really care who wins or loses tonight.

So that leaves me here at home, doing work. Apparently it's earth day today and I'm supposed to turn off everything from 8:30 to 9:00 (or is it 9:30?) BUT I really need to do stuff, so I don't know if I'll be able to jump on the bandwagon...I can with my laptop, but I don't know if that's allowed ;P

Wow, I just looked out the window (it's pretty crazy that it's almost 8pm and it's not dark outside yet!) and it's snowing!!! MAN, just when I thought I could start busting out my Spring wear =(

So much for wearing a dress to church tomorrow!

Saturday

You know what that means. Monday is just around the corner =( Don't get me wrong; I love my job and I really do enjoy working 5 days a week. But after basking in a week off, the prospect of getting up once again at 6am is daunting. I managed to leave all efforts to do some productive planning to this weekend (bad idea) so now I can't enjoy the last few hours of freedom in freedom. But then again, "freedom" and "teaching" is an oxymoron that has never really existed and probably never will.

I have a dentist appointment today at 1pm. It's been a long time since I've seen the dentist. So long, in fact, that I'm too embarrassed to say how long (or it's been that long that I don't even remember!). Apparently, the clinic is super high tech. Dale texted me while he was at the dentist (cuz his appointment was earlier this morning) to say that his chair was giving him a massage!

I've had a challenging thought-life this week. God has really been testing my thoughts and I've found myself meditating on one of David's prayers in the psalms that asks God to search him and know his thoughts, to see if there is any wicked way in him and to lead him in the way everlasting. The mind is really the control-center of our actions. What we choose to think about (or maybe not even choose, but allow our minds to entertain) can have a direct impact on our actions, an impact which can ultimately build up or destroy us and those around us. I'm thankful, though, that in the midst of this struggle, God provides a way for us to stand up from under it - we need only seek Him, choose Him, love Him above all.

Anyway, gotta get back to planning. At least the weather isn't utterly gorgeous that I feel bad I'm not enjoying it today!

Later!

Blogging just hasn't been the same since I left xanga. Maybe it's xanga (the history we have, the blogging community that once was but is now extinct) or maybe it's me, but I definitely miss those xangadays. To all you former xanga-iters, take a stroll down memory lane and maybe it'll be enough to re-ignite a passion for blogging that we all once had.

As I was scrolling through some of my old blogs (5 years worth!!!) I couldn't help but think about the "Deedee" back then and the "Deedee" now. The challenges that I face today have definitely changed from what they were 5 years ago, but it was of personal encouragement to read that in the midst of some of the biggest changes in my life, God remains the same. I was a bit jealous of my old self and the evident enthusiasm for life and Christ that seeped between the lines. Not that I'm not enthusiastic still, but I definitely had a vigor back then has seemed to have lost itself along the way. For no good reason, really, other than perhaps a slow descent into mediocrity and satisfaction with my 'Christianity.'

Well, God has dealt with my complacency in the past and He never fails to deal with it time and again, especially when I reach the end of my self (as I have done numerous times before -- darn humanity! Never learns.) Today was one of those days.

I will borrow from a previous blog I wrote back in 2006 because it pretty much sums me up right now:

So coming to the point of this whole blog, while we were driving home from Vancouver I started to cry. I don't cry often and when I do it usually has to do with my relationship with God, missing my family, my siblings, or an argument/frustration with Dale wherein it is my time of the month. Yesterday, however, it was weird. And this has occurred before. By this I mean me crying when nothing in particular has happened and no news has reached my ears. I didn't cry because I missed my family terribly, which is one of the big reasons why I think I would cry. I actually don't really know why I started crying but I know that my heart felt heavy. I thought about everything and nothing. I thought about life as it was, as it is, and as it will be. I thought about who I've become and where God has brought me so far. I thought about you, the people who have come across my life, and the people I have still yet to meet. I thought about life, and I thought about Christ. And then it all made sense. You know those times when everything just seems to click together and you see the whole picture? That's what happened last night. I saw the whole picture. And you know what I re-discovered? Christ is the sum. He is the beginning and the end. He was, is, and always will be. And I thought to myself, how have I been allowing Christ to reach his full measure in me?

Last night I resolved not to live a mediocre Christian life. I resolved not to be comfortable with "average" or the status quo. I resolved not to serve my God dispassionately and without the absolute conviction that He has called me and set me apart unto himself to do and to be in Christ. He has given me a joy beyond words, Christ in me. He has equipped me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms, Christ in me. Christ in me. He is the Sum to which we cannot add or take away.

I both love and hate when God puts a clear picture in my mind of who I am and who He is: I love it because everything makes sense! It's all about Him. Life is all about Him. Christ lived, died, and rose again to help us see and believe that it's all about Him. And, when it comes down to it, nothing really matters more than that. I hate it because in making me re-realize this again and again, I have really no other option but to surrender. And we all know how hard surrendering can be. We build our fortresses, stake our 'claim to fame' (in whatever aspect that may be), do our bidding...only to be confronted with the realization that only in complete surrender do we truly live.

I hate being uncomfortable. But I'm learning that the Spirit thrives on uncomfortability - especially with the things of this world, with complacency, with mediocrity, with things that won't satisfy or aren't meant for me because I'm not meant for this world. Galatians tells us that the Spirit desires what is contrary to the sinful nature and the sinful nature what is contrary to the Spirit. There is an unsettledness deep down in my Spirit that I feel when I get too caught up in 'my' life.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. It's comforting to know that the Lord disciplines those He loves. I'm thankful for the confrontation, the uncomfortability, and the unsettledness because I know He loves me!

Life is not what it was 24 hours ago.

Literally. Although much of life has remained the same, the aspect that has been the subject of my last two posts has changed. If you want to know, ask. Let's just say God has a way of allowing things to happen that I'll never begin to understand.

Dabbling in DLE, D2L, Dee2 (wait, that's me!)

I never knew how much I really loved teaching (the classroom, the students, the human face-to-face interaction, the planning and prepping - yes, even that!) until now. I have spent the past four days in front of a computer screen getting acquainted with the online learning environment that our board of education supports. If I had only known in advance what this job would entail (except, how could I know because those above me - my supervisors, principal, etc. didn't even know) I probably would have reconsidered. The honest truth is that I am not really qualified for this job. I'm probably only qualified in the category of "hardworking, organized, and likes Spanish" whereas what I'm doing and preparing to do demands someone who is bilingual, tech saavy, and confident in this kind of work. I am none of those things. Why am I here? I really don't know. I blame everything entirely on God. Like I mentioned in my last post, He allowed me to be here. Actually, He literally - with his ginormous God arms - picked me up and put me in this position. And here I am. And who knows, it may be the best thing that could happen to my career but right now, I beg to differ.

So here I am sitting in front of my lap top in a cubicle with a dangerously steep learning curve to overcome. I know it's an impossible feat without the wisdom, knowledge, and guidance of God.

Hmmmm...that's probably why I'm here, isn't it?

Albert Einsten was once quoted as saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Isn't he right? Wishful thinking is exactly that: thinking. It's not doing or changing, it's merely thinking. And although I contend that thinking is where change begins, it's not where change is supposed to stay, or end for that matter. It's in the doing that the difference enters. The same is true for the faith-lived life. Christians struggle with almost everything under the sun; and although I'm sure many want and hope to change, few actually do something about it. Essentially, change is faith-led but action-based. "Faith without deeds is dead." I had a difficult time understanding that verse when I was younger, but now it makes complete sense. How can we say we "have faith" when our actions or deeds completely disregard or ignore or subvert the faith we say we have? How can "faith" really be considered "faith" when it shows no warrant in our actions, whatever "actions" entails? It can't and it's not.

It's been quite a while since I've been here recording my "notes" on this life journey of mine. I guess you could say I've been busy (err.. indifferent to blogging). So I can't promise (to myself or to any remaining avid blog readers out there) that I'll be back any time soon. But, I'm here now so I may as well write words worth the time I'm spending here as opposed to doing more important things.

Or not.

Let's see. Since my last post I have:

- gotten a tattoo
- become a vegetarian
- broken a bone for the first time in my life
- eaten McDonalds everyday for pretty much a whole week (those darn coupons!!!)
- been the object of racial attacks
- acquired a new position at work
- gotten a new camera
- gone snowboarding (twice!) since 2007

Yes I know, not very exciting. I was joking about the first three. I could never get a tattoo because I'd probably grow another keyloid (RIP Kelly - March 2006) and we don't want that happening again. I could never become a vegetarian because I love meat too much. I haven't broken a bone yet but every time I stub my little toe I feel like I'm one step closer.

Probably the most exciting event up there is that Dale and I ate McDonalds for dinner pretty much an entire week because of those '2 Can Dine' and 'Buy One Get One' coupons. The most interesting would have to go to both 5 and 6. Five is a long story but six I can talk briefly about. Basically, I need to utilize the limited Spanish knowledge I currently have to develop a new curriculum that our school is implementing starting September. That's pretty much the jist of my new position. I'm taking an Adult Ed Spanish Conversation class right now to get myself into the habit of speaking. I can't even say "speaking again" because I never really spoke it except during the two courses in university that I took 4 years ago. I'm also hoping to spend a few weeks in Spain this summer immersing myself in the culture and language in preparation for what I will be doing in September. We will see how that pans out. All I know is that God got me into this (REALLY), so I'm expecting Him to get me through it. Talk about faith. I'm living in it right now!!!