In everything, all we can really do is pray. I don't know why things happen, or why they are happening, but I do know that my God is mighty. I hate to think the worst, and yet the worst has already arrived. Sin is sin regardless of how big or small we view it through human eyes. It's all the same to God: detestable, filthy, rooted in the old nature, and unfit for His children. It's amazing how we like to rationalize our actions in spite of what God has made plain and clear to us. Doing so is akin to sniffing the putrid smell of our vomit and finding it appealing. So why do we do it? That is the question of the ages and one that Paul makes so clear in the book of Romans. When we continually wrestle with sin, we are really wrestling with our unbelief. We don't truly believe God and His Word in its entirety; we don't truly believe that God is who he says he is and that he can do what he says he can do. If we truly did, why in the world would we settle for crap when God has put a feast before us?
Then He touched their eyes, saying, "It shall be done to you according to your faith."
It's easy to say "I have faith" when life is walking through the park. When it's not, how many of us can truly own this statement without a single doubt? I know I can't, but I am learning what it means to have faith and to live by it, moment by moment. I have faith that God can do a miracle in the heart of a person hardened by sin, pride, and guilt. I have faith that he can restore a husband and wife to oneness and unity because that is his will and desire. I have faith that my prayers are being heard and that they will not come back empty. I have faith that God can heal a tumor in the head of a woman with the power he used to raise Christ from the dead. I have faith that a daughter will realize the futility of rebellion and come back to her parents and family. I have faith that God will grow in me a heart of compassion as I walk daily in His Spirit. I have faith, but I need more and more of it. If I had faith as big as a mustard seed, I could move mountains.
Even when I feel discouraged, I will praise You Lord.
11.17.2007
11.13.2007
Dating during highschool always came with some form of acronym to symbolize or represent the relationship. When I look at bathroom stalls today, nothing much has changed. Thanks to my older sister, I got into the habit of writing numbers or letters to represent words: 143 = I love you; 436 = Dale and Deedee; 5254 = Mahal na mahal kita (lame, I know!); DAM = Dale and Madelaine. Because I didn't have any other "real" boyfriends in highschool besides Dale, I pretty much stopped at 436 and DAM. We pretty much owned those numbers and that acronym. I staked my claim on almost every notebook I used during highschool. Dale and Madelaine. That's how it was and that's how it was going to stay. We were silly teenagers, trying to understand and express this thing called love. I think I expressed it pretty well. I'd think about him a lot, write him letters telling him how much he meant to me, skip school (just once!) to visit him, buy him random thoughtful things, stayed "true" to our exclusive commitment to each other. You know, things like that. He'd do the same in return. We had known each other as friends before we started "going out", so when he told me he loved me after 2 months of dating, I told him I felt the exact same way. We were in love!
Until that fateful day in November when the words "I love you" from my mouth were met with "I don't anymore" from his. I couldn't believe it. How could someone who said he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, all of a sudden say "I don't love you anymore" just like that, with no explanation except for "I'm sorry"? You don't just fall out of love with someone! Months after I still didn't have an answer.
That was our highschool relationship and breakup in a nutshell. But as you can see, God brought us back to each other and now we can truly own "436" and "DAM". Love is an interesting thing and, depending upon who you're talking to, can be defined differently. You often here the phrase "love is not an feeling". And I'm sure those who say it truly mean it in theory but when it comes to practice, fall unguarded into the trap of emotion. If love is a feeling, then it is fleeting, transient, unstable, and prone to sudden change without cause or explanation. That's what feelings are and do. They come and go depending upon mood, circumstance. They often lie and are presumptuous. They can't be trusted wholly without precaution and thorough examination and often need to be rebuked for focusing too much on the self. I like the phrase "being in love with love" because I believe it to be so true. Some people I know are in love with love.
Then there's the phrase "love is a decision". In other words, choice is involved in love. Well, obviously. You choose who you want to love. And then in the choosing of how to show love to the one you have chosen to love is where love is found. Love is not found in the emotion that drives the choice, but in the choice itself which is guided by...obligation? need?
Today, Dale and I watched "Dan In Real Life". It's a really good movie and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. Towards the end of it, a minor character (a young teen in love with the protagonist's teenage daughter) says: "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." I thought this statement over, trying to decide whether or not I agreed with it and why. The word "ability" is defined as 1.the quality of being able to do something (the power or knowledge to do something); 2. a natural or acquired skill or talent; 3. the quality of being suitable for or receptive to a specified treatment. If love is an ability then according to the definition it requires action or expression; it is both innate and learned; and it must be received.
Every person desires to be loved. Not by a love that is merely fueled by emotion, but by a love that is secure and unwavering; not by a choice that is made out of obligation or guilt, but that is driven by truth and desire. I have learned that only God can give love in all its fullness. There is no greater love than the love he showed me when he gave his life as a ransom for me. And when I am in Christ and He in me, I am able to extend and show that same love to my husband, the object of my affections on this earth, the one that the Lord made just for me for more reasons than simply to be my lifelong companion until death do us part.
You need to get love to give love. That desire for love that we all have needs to be 'got' by God. Once we experience his love, we have no other choice but to 'give' it to others: our friends, our 'enemies', the 'unlovables' around us, and our spouse. Not only do we not have a choice, but we have the power to in any and every situation.
Anyway, that's all for today. Hope ya'll enjoyed the long weekend and took the time to remember.
Until that fateful day in November when the words "I love you" from my mouth were met with "I don't anymore" from his. I couldn't believe it. How could someone who said he loved me, wanted to be with me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, all of a sudden say "I don't love you anymore" just like that, with no explanation except for "I'm sorry"? You don't just fall out of love with someone! Months after I still didn't have an answer.
That was our highschool relationship and breakup in a nutshell. But as you can see, God brought us back to each other and now we can truly own "436" and "DAM". Love is an interesting thing and, depending upon who you're talking to, can be defined differently. You often here the phrase "love is not an feeling". And I'm sure those who say it truly mean it in theory but when it comes to practice, fall unguarded into the trap of emotion. If love is a feeling, then it is fleeting, transient, unstable, and prone to sudden change without cause or explanation. That's what feelings are and do. They come and go depending upon mood, circumstance. They often lie and are presumptuous. They can't be trusted wholly without precaution and thorough examination and often need to be rebuked for focusing too much on the self. I like the phrase "being in love with love" because I believe it to be so true. Some people I know are in love with love.
Then there's the phrase "love is a decision". In other words, choice is involved in love. Well, obviously. You choose who you want to love. And then in the choosing of how to show love to the one you have chosen to love is where love is found. Love is not found in the emotion that drives the choice, but in the choice itself which is guided by...obligation? need?
Today, Dale and I watched "Dan In Real Life". It's a really good movie and we both thoroughly enjoyed it. Towards the end of it, a minor character (a young teen in love with the protagonist's teenage daughter) says: "Love is not a feeling, it's an ability." I thought this statement over, trying to decide whether or not I agreed with it and why. The word "ability" is defined as 1.the quality of being able to do something (the power or knowledge to do something); 2. a natural or acquired skill or talent; 3. the quality of being suitable for or receptive to a specified treatment. If love is an ability then according to the definition it requires action or expression; it is both innate and learned; and it must be received.
Every person desires to be loved. Not by a love that is merely fueled by emotion, but by a love that is secure and unwavering; not by a choice that is made out of obligation or guilt, but that is driven by truth and desire. I have learned that only God can give love in all its fullness. There is no greater love than the love he showed me when he gave his life as a ransom for me. And when I am in Christ and He in me, I am able to extend and show that same love to my husband, the object of my affections on this earth, the one that the Lord made just for me for more reasons than simply to be my lifelong companion until death do us part.
You need to get love to give love. That desire for love that we all have needs to be 'got' by God. Once we experience his love, we have no other choice but to 'give' it to others: our friends, our 'enemies', the 'unlovables' around us, and our spouse. Not only do we not have a choice, but we have the power to in any and every situation.
Anyway, that's all for today. Hope ya'll enjoyed the long weekend and took the time to remember.
11.07.2007
Forgive me for my blunt, thoughtless remarks in my last blog. Frustration sometimes gets the best of me and I forget about perspective and what the Lord may be teaching me in the different predicaments I find myself in. Traffic = developing patience. Although, I contend that it was still quite ridiculous that it took me one hour to get to Fraser Heights. And I also contend that traffic light operators don't always pay attention to what's happening. Or perhaps they have no control and its the city that's screwing us all over. Just kidding. Okay, moving on.
I had a pretty chill day. I subbed for one of my school advisors who took the day off to supervise his daughter's preschool with his wife. His kids are super cute! They are halfies (Chinese/White) and so adorable! He has tons of pics of them around his desk. During my practicum last April his second daughter was born so it was cool to see how big she has grown since then. Anyway, the day was pretty straightforward and didn't require too much effort on my part so I got to relax. Being in different classrooms everyday has given me ideas on how I want my future classroom to look like. I actually taught for a teacher who set up her classroom in a way similar to what I want to have. As soon as I walked into her class (she's an English teacher like me) I felt the vibes she was trying to impart: inspiration, warmth, care, fun, optimism. She had a lot of windows and a nice view of the neighborhood. Around the walls of the room were random quotes, visuals, and collages about success in education, goalsetting, teamwork, acceptance, life, dreams, etc. It was definitely the most positive looking classroom I've ever been in. I can't wait for the freedom to be creative in the way I desire students to view education and life. Decorating my room is one thing I definitely look forward to and will take time doing. I am also definitely going to have a portable heater. I hate when classroom's are cold!
Tomorrow Dale and I are going out for dinner and watching the hockey game with a couple friend of ours (they're just dating). We've been praying for the opportunity to spend time getting to know these two because we've been asking the Lord to use us to minister to people as a couple. He's a Christian and attends our church but hasn't been coming lately and she's not yet a Christian. I know that he's been going through a lot of things lately, despite his "I'm doing great" response to my question of "How are you, really?" He used to help me with the youth but stopped going a couple of months ago so we are "close" to some degree, I guess. She has come to church a few times and I know she has heard the gospel truth but I don't think has had the opportunity to talk about her experience at church with anyone. I'm looking forward to our time and praying for wisdom and boldness in our conversations with one another. I know that God is at work and will reveal Himself clearly to both of them in His timing. I also know that if it's God's will, the Canucks can beat the flames ;P We'll just have to wait and see. I'm not a huge hockey fan but it does help if they can win a few games. (No disrespect to all you real fans!)
I had a pretty chill day. I subbed for one of my school advisors who took the day off to supervise his daughter's preschool with his wife. His kids are super cute! They are halfies (Chinese/White) and so adorable! He has tons of pics of them around his desk. During my practicum last April his second daughter was born so it was cool to see how big she has grown since then. Anyway, the day was pretty straightforward and didn't require too much effort on my part so I got to relax. Being in different classrooms everyday has given me ideas on how I want my future classroom to look like. I actually taught for a teacher who set up her classroom in a way similar to what I want to have. As soon as I walked into her class (she's an English teacher like me) I felt the vibes she was trying to impart: inspiration, warmth, care, fun, optimism. She had a lot of windows and a nice view of the neighborhood. Around the walls of the room were random quotes, visuals, and collages about success in education, goalsetting, teamwork, acceptance, life, dreams, etc. It was definitely the most positive looking classroom I've ever been in. I can't wait for the freedom to be creative in the way I desire students to view education and life. Decorating my room is one thing I definitely look forward to and will take time doing. I am also definitely going to have a portable heater. I hate when classroom's are cold!
Tomorrow Dale and I are going out for dinner and watching the hockey game with a couple friend of ours (they're just dating). We've been praying for the opportunity to spend time getting to know these two because we've been asking the Lord to use us to minister to people as a couple. He's a Christian and attends our church but hasn't been coming lately and she's not yet a Christian. I know that he's been going through a lot of things lately, despite his "I'm doing great" response to my question of "How are you, really?" He used to help me with the youth but stopped going a couple of months ago so we are "close" to some degree, I guess. She has come to church a few times and I know she has heard the gospel truth but I don't think has had the opportunity to talk about her experience at church with anyone. I'm looking forward to our time and praying for wisdom and boldness in our conversations with one another. I know that God is at work and will reveal Himself clearly to both of them in His timing. I also know that if it's God's will, the Canucks can beat the flames ;P We'll just have to wait and see. I'm not a huge hockey fan but it does help if they can win a few games. (No disrespect to all you real fans!)
11.06.2007
Hate it, hate it, hate it!!!
TRAFFIC. I hate traffic. I hate traffic that makes what would normally be a 15 minute drive take ONE HOUR. I had to work in Fraser Heights today and crossing the overpass was a NIGHTMARE. I was literally yelling in my car at how terrible the traffic was. TERRIBLE. After waiting 40 minutes to cross a dumb overpass because traffic going West to Vancouver is just so unbelievable that it affects people who aren't even going in that direction, I hit traffic IN Fraser Heights!!! I arrived just 5 minutes before the bell went. I hate when I'm late (and I have never been, thankfully) but today was too close of a call. I always arrive at least 20 minutes early so that I'm prepared for the day, especially if the teacher hasn't left a lesson plan. Today I even left earlier than normal because I knew that there would be traffic, but little did I know just HOW MUCH there would be because traffic lights in this city are STUPID and whoever controls them is an IDIOT. There are no left turn signals when there should be at busy intersections. That is my biggest pet peeve. I also don't know why the city does construction on major streets during rush hour. What in the world are they thinking? How stupid is that? Arrrrgh. I'm still pretty pissed off.
Anyway, so my day didn't start off too well and as a result my first block was a little sloppy. It's a Spanish teacher that I subbed for today (and have subbed for a few times in the past) and I usually prep myself when I arrive early. I didn't have that luxury today. Thankfully I had a prep second block and was able to sufficiently prepare myself for the last two blocks. I love Spanish! It's a lot different from teaching English because it's not literature that's being taught but the technical aspects of the language. It's fun being requested for a Spanish class and I'm thankful that I was able to retain almost everything I learned in high school and university. I think I might go back to school and upgrade my Spanish courses so that I can be certified to teach it in addition to English.
It's unbearably gloomy outside. Rain, rain, rain. I don't know when it'll ever go away. Probably not until next May! That's Vancouver for you.
Anyway, so my day didn't start off too well and as a result my first block was a little sloppy. It's a Spanish teacher that I subbed for today (and have subbed for a few times in the past) and I usually prep myself when I arrive early. I didn't have that luxury today. Thankfully I had a prep second block and was able to sufficiently prepare myself for the last two blocks. I love Spanish! It's a lot different from teaching English because it's not literature that's being taught but the technical aspects of the language. It's fun being requested for a Spanish class and I'm thankful that I was able to retain almost everything I learned in high school and university. I think I might go back to school and upgrade my Spanish courses so that I can be certified to teach it in addition to English.
It's unbearably gloomy outside. Rain, rain, rain. I don't know when it'll ever go away. Probably not until next May! That's Vancouver for you.
11.05.2007
Bumps
The other day I was in the library of a school I substituted in, trying to kill time on my prep. As I was browsing the bookshelves for a potentially interesting read, I came across a section of the shelf containing books about religion and myths. I've always had a bit of intrigue for books about world religions, myths and mythology, cults, etc. not because I was looking to be convinced (the Truth has already set me free) but more so because I wanted to know what people (both the writer and readers) find so convincing about them. Anyway, my eyes glossed over random titles until I came to one particular book: "God: An overview." I paused and thought to myself, how funny. Now the book itself when I picked it up was essentially about the history of the idea of "Gods and Goddesses" and how such an entity as "God" emerged as an idea. But the initial thought I had stemmed from the idea that someone endeavored to amateurly record (or contain) everything about God in one book. And the book wasn't even big or thick for that matter! Not that a dozen or even a hundred books could do justice. I suppose, though, that without having known God but simply knowing about him with a limited frame of reference, one could write a chapter book with a beginning and an end. Well, as human beings we are subject to a limited understanding of things, of God himself, because that is just the way it is. But just because we are limited does not mean that God is, and it doesn't change who He is. I'm thankful, though, that inspite of my humanity, God makes Himself, his ways, his plans, his desires, known to me through the Holy Spirit. And I have the opportunity to know Him instead of just know about Him.
It's been a while since I've blogged, I know. Sometimes its a matter of laziness, sometimes my internet connection doesn't work, hehe. Other times I just feel uninspired or just don't want to bother. Today, I feel like blogging. So here I am. The past couple of months (since the last time I blogged was in September) have been quite the journey. Work has been busy and although I enjoy it, lately I've been feeling like I want a day off. Or two. Or a week, hehe. Just kidding. I'm on call so I can decline a job if I so desire but because there's the risk of not getting called the next day and sacrificing income, I always accept the call. Even at 7 in the morning. In terms of stress level, it's definitely at a minimum, which is one of the perks of substitute teaching. No late night planning or endless marking. You're just in and out! For me the only downside is that it's difficult to build relationships with students you see one day and may never see again. Even though I enjoy TOCing now, I'm excited for the opportunity to have my own classroom and my own set of students to get to know and to help grow. Until a position opens in my subject area, however, I'm content.
My eyes have slowly been opening to the ignorance I never knew I had. And that is no easy thing to accept. Imagine being convinced of something for the longest time and then realizing that what you thought was right was not? Or rather, that what you thought was right was based on a limited perspective? God does not hold us accountable to what we do not know; but once He reveals these things to us we are accountable to God for how we allow what we have come to know change our mindset, perspective, and actions in this life. I've been wrestling with my unveiled, unacknowledged ignorance for the past few weeks. Perhaps it has been a struggle because my pride was hurt. I think whenever our pride is hurt in any situation, we become stubborn. We don't want to accept that we are wrong or have been narrow-minded. That itself is pride. But recognizing and admitting the pride in our thinking and in our actions is the first step towards humility. And I know that it is impossible to take any steps towards humility without asking God to help us humble ourselves and expose our pride to us. I praise the Lord for making things clear to me. It is not yet crystal clear but I know that as I yield to him each day and grow in the knowledge of Christ, it will be. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I am only beginning to fully grasp the meaning of these words of the apostle Paul. It is so amazing how much we allow guilt to play a role in our lives and drive us to do, or not do, things. Sometimes it is masked by so-called "desire" or "love" but when we truly examine our motivations or intentions, we see guilt at work. I have been praying that God would help me to truly see and believe that because I am in Christ, I am no longer condemned (in every possible understanding). I have also been praying that God would, as I continue to grow in my knowledge and love for Him, grow in me a compassionate and loving heart that is fueled by Christ's love for me and for people.
So overall, God has revealed much to me in the past month. And although, as I mentioned, I've been wrestling with some of it, I thank the Lord for His rebuke and for the love He has shown to me in exposing my pride.
The women at our church have begun a study series by Beth Moore entitled "Believing God: A Fresh Explosion of Faith" and I am excited to be challenged by it. The general focus is on the idea of believing God and not merely beliving in God. We had the first session last week and it has prompted me to think about what "promised land" God has uniquely created and destined for me. I enjoy Beth's teachings because she does a thorough exegesis of passages in the Old Testament and New Testament and challenges women to consider their unique relevance to us today. Bless you, Beth!
Anyway, I think that is all I can muster for today. Monday nights Dale and I volunteer for Special Olympics Surrey but I'm not feeling so hot so I may not go tonight. I wish it was Thursday so then I could watch the Office! I love the Office but I hate how its back to half hour episodes :( I was thoroughly enjoying the full hour of humor to the nth degree. But I've been enjoying Heroes even though the plot has been dragging a little. Enjoy your Monday night people!
It's been a while since I've blogged, I know. Sometimes its a matter of laziness, sometimes my internet connection doesn't work, hehe. Other times I just feel uninspired or just don't want to bother. Today, I feel like blogging. So here I am. The past couple of months (since the last time I blogged was in September) have been quite the journey. Work has been busy and although I enjoy it, lately I've been feeling like I want a day off. Or two. Or a week, hehe. Just kidding. I'm on call so I can decline a job if I so desire but because there's the risk of not getting called the next day and sacrificing income, I always accept the call. Even at 7 in the morning. In terms of stress level, it's definitely at a minimum, which is one of the perks of substitute teaching. No late night planning or endless marking. You're just in and out! For me the only downside is that it's difficult to build relationships with students you see one day and may never see again. Even though I enjoy TOCing now, I'm excited for the opportunity to have my own classroom and my own set of students to get to know and to help grow. Until a position opens in my subject area, however, I'm content.
My eyes have slowly been opening to the ignorance I never knew I had. And that is no easy thing to accept. Imagine being convinced of something for the longest time and then realizing that what you thought was right was not? Or rather, that what you thought was right was based on a limited perspective? God does not hold us accountable to what we do not know; but once He reveals these things to us we are accountable to God for how we allow what we have come to know change our mindset, perspective, and actions in this life. I've been wrestling with my unveiled, unacknowledged ignorance for the past few weeks. Perhaps it has been a struggle because my pride was hurt. I think whenever our pride is hurt in any situation, we become stubborn. We don't want to accept that we are wrong or have been narrow-minded. That itself is pride. But recognizing and admitting the pride in our thinking and in our actions is the first step towards humility. And I know that it is impossible to take any steps towards humility without asking God to help us humble ourselves and expose our pride to us. I praise the Lord for making things clear to me. It is not yet crystal clear but I know that as I yield to him each day and grow in the knowledge of Christ, it will be. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." I am only beginning to fully grasp the meaning of these words of the apostle Paul. It is so amazing how much we allow guilt to play a role in our lives and drive us to do, or not do, things. Sometimes it is masked by so-called "desire" or "love" but when we truly examine our motivations or intentions, we see guilt at work. I have been praying that God would help me to truly see and believe that because I am in Christ, I am no longer condemned (in every possible understanding). I have also been praying that God would, as I continue to grow in my knowledge and love for Him, grow in me a compassionate and loving heart that is fueled by Christ's love for me and for people.
So overall, God has revealed much to me in the past month. And although, as I mentioned, I've been wrestling with some of it, I thank the Lord for His rebuke and for the love He has shown to me in exposing my pride.
The women at our church have begun a study series by Beth Moore entitled "Believing God: A Fresh Explosion of Faith" and I am excited to be challenged by it. The general focus is on the idea of believing God and not merely beliving in God. We had the first session last week and it has prompted me to think about what "promised land" God has uniquely created and destined for me. I enjoy Beth's teachings because she does a thorough exegesis of passages in the Old Testament and New Testament and challenges women to consider their unique relevance to us today. Bless you, Beth!
Anyway, I think that is all I can muster for today. Monday nights Dale and I volunteer for Special Olympics Surrey but I'm not feeling so hot so I may not go tonight. I wish it was Thursday so then I could watch the Office! I love the Office but I hate how its back to half hour episodes :( I was thoroughly enjoying the full hour of humor to the nth degree. But I've been enjoying Heroes even though the plot has been dragging a little. Enjoy your Monday night people!
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