April 12, 2011 is a day to remember. Mischa Elle was born at 7:30pm after 16.5 hours of labour including 2 hours of pushing out her little 7 lb, 4 oz body. That ordeal coupled with zero pain relief is, I must admit, the achievement of my life so far. My biggest fear, whence I could wrap my mind around child-bearing, was the thought and experience of giving birth. I literally thought I would die on the delivery table. Seriously. I mean, have you seen a birthing video? How is that possible? I am still in disbelief at what my body was able to do.
Side note: Her name, Mischa Elle, is taken from the Hebrew nameMishael which means Who is like God?. Hence, Tim Neufeld's song below will be the first song I hope she learns to sing!
That was 5 weeks and 4 days ago. Since that day, life has not been the same and I know it never will. I write those words with both joy and sadness, anticipation and nostalgia.
The feelings of joy and anticipation are pretty self-explanatory. If you've ever had a child of your own, then you can relate. There's nothing comparable to cuddling and staring at my own flesh and blood, knowing that she grew inside me for nine months and is the perfect combination of Dale and I. That fact is still surreal to me in many ways. She brings me joy and gives me an overhwhelming desire to love her self-lessly (which is really the only way to love a child). The feeling of anticipation characterizes both each day that passes and the thought of how much she will grow in the next year and in the years to come. Every day brings a new opportunity to discover and witness her development. Just last week she started to coo and make the most adorable sounds. I'm also pretty convinced she can look me in the eye now. She always seems to make eye contact with me when I'm nursing (it's the cutest thing! As if she's saying, "Thanks for the milk, mommy.") I love being her mother and knowing that I have been given the privilege of providing for her needs and helping her grow.
The sadness and nostalgia stem from the memory of my independent life. Gone are the days of sleeping straight and sleeping in, going out with ease without having concern for time, spontaniety, and all the rest. I did not expect to feel such a loss, but I do right now. I know that as she grows, I will become more confident in how I can help her adapt to our schedule (and create a family "life") but in the mean time I find myself longing for days gone by. I was glad to find an online forum of new moms who felt and feel exactly as I do. A part of me feels guilty for not absolutely loving motherhood since having Mischa. Don't get me wrong, I love her to bits but easing into the role of a full time caregiver (which is really what I am at this stage of her life) has been a huge adjustment that I'm still getting used to. It does, as everyone who has been where I am says, get easier. I can attest to that even in the short while that I've been a mom. Essentially, I was thrilled and relieved to chance upon this forum and to hear from other new moms who with me, defy the notion that there is something seriously wrong with moms who don't absolutely love their new role. We are the norm, not the exception.
Yes, life is not what it was a few weeks ago. But, it's all a part of my story - and God's a perfect writer.
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