Saturday

You know what that means. Monday is just around the corner =( Don't get me wrong; I love my job and I really do enjoy working 5 days a week. But after basking in a week off, the prospect of getting up once again at 6am is daunting. I managed to leave all efforts to do some productive planning to this weekend (bad idea) so now I can't enjoy the last few hours of freedom in freedom. But then again, "freedom" and "teaching" is an oxymoron that has never really existed and probably never will.

I have a dentist appointment today at 1pm. It's been a long time since I've seen the dentist. So long, in fact, that I'm too embarrassed to say how long (or it's been that long that I don't even remember!). Apparently, the clinic is super high tech. Dale texted me while he was at the dentist (cuz his appointment was earlier this morning) to say that his chair was giving him a massage!

I've had a challenging thought-life this week. God has really been testing my thoughts and I've found myself meditating on one of David's prayers in the psalms that asks God to search him and know his thoughts, to see if there is any wicked way in him and to lead him in the way everlasting. The mind is really the control-center of our actions. What we choose to think about (or maybe not even choose, but allow our minds to entertain) can have a direct impact on our actions, an impact which can ultimately build up or destroy us and those around us. I'm thankful, though, that in the midst of this struggle, God provides a way for us to stand up from under it - we need only seek Him, choose Him, love Him above all.

Anyway, gotta get back to planning. At least the weather isn't utterly gorgeous that I feel bad I'm not enjoying it today!

Later!

Blogging just hasn't been the same since I left xanga. Maybe it's xanga (the history we have, the blogging community that once was but is now extinct) or maybe it's me, but I definitely miss those xangadays. To all you former xanga-iters, take a stroll down memory lane and maybe it'll be enough to re-ignite a passion for blogging that we all once had.

As I was scrolling through some of my old blogs (5 years worth!!!) I couldn't help but think about the "Deedee" back then and the "Deedee" now. The challenges that I face today have definitely changed from what they were 5 years ago, but it was of personal encouragement to read that in the midst of some of the biggest changes in my life, God remains the same. I was a bit jealous of my old self and the evident enthusiasm for life and Christ that seeped between the lines. Not that I'm not enthusiastic still, but I definitely had a vigor back then has seemed to have lost itself along the way. For no good reason, really, other than perhaps a slow descent into mediocrity and satisfaction with my 'Christianity.'

Well, God has dealt with my complacency in the past and He never fails to deal with it time and again, especially when I reach the end of my self (as I have done numerous times before -- darn humanity! Never learns.) Today was one of those days.

I will borrow from a previous blog I wrote back in 2006 because it pretty much sums me up right now:

So coming to the point of this whole blog, while we were driving home from Vancouver I started to cry. I don't cry often and when I do it usually has to do with my relationship with God, missing my family, my siblings, or an argument/frustration with Dale wherein it is my time of the month. Yesterday, however, it was weird. And this has occurred before. By this I mean me crying when nothing in particular has happened and no news has reached my ears. I didn't cry because I missed my family terribly, which is one of the big reasons why I think I would cry. I actually don't really know why I started crying but I know that my heart felt heavy. I thought about everything and nothing. I thought about life as it was, as it is, and as it will be. I thought about who I've become and where God has brought me so far. I thought about you, the people who have come across my life, and the people I have still yet to meet. I thought about life, and I thought about Christ. And then it all made sense. You know those times when everything just seems to click together and you see the whole picture? That's what happened last night. I saw the whole picture. And you know what I re-discovered? Christ is the sum. He is the beginning and the end. He was, is, and always will be. And I thought to myself, how have I been allowing Christ to reach his full measure in me?

Last night I resolved not to live a mediocre Christian life. I resolved not to be comfortable with "average" or the status quo. I resolved not to serve my God dispassionately and without the absolute conviction that He has called me and set me apart unto himself to do and to be in Christ. He has given me a joy beyond words, Christ in me. He has equipped me with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms, Christ in me. Christ in me. He is the Sum to which we cannot add or take away.

I both love and hate when God puts a clear picture in my mind of who I am and who He is: I love it because everything makes sense! It's all about Him. Life is all about Him. Christ lived, died, and rose again to help us see and believe that it's all about Him. And, when it comes down to it, nothing really matters more than that. I hate it because in making me re-realize this again and again, I have really no other option but to surrender. And we all know how hard surrendering can be. We build our fortresses, stake our 'claim to fame' (in whatever aspect that may be), do our bidding...only to be confronted with the realization that only in complete surrender do we truly live.

I hate being uncomfortable. But I'm learning that the Spirit thrives on uncomfortability - especially with the things of this world, with complacency, with mediocrity, with things that won't satisfy or aren't meant for me because I'm not meant for this world. Galatians tells us that the Spirit desires what is contrary to the sinful nature and the sinful nature what is contrary to the Spirit. There is an unsettledness deep down in my Spirit that I feel when I get too caught up in 'my' life.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the day. It's comforting to know that the Lord disciplines those He loves. I'm thankful for the confrontation, the uncomfortability, and the unsettledness because I know He loves me!

Life is not what it was 24 hours ago.

Literally. Although much of life has remained the same, the aspect that has been the subject of my last two posts has changed. If you want to know, ask. Let's just say God has a way of allowing things to happen that I'll never begin to understand.

Dabbling in DLE, D2L, Dee2 (wait, that's me!)

I never knew how much I really loved teaching (the classroom, the students, the human face-to-face interaction, the planning and prepping - yes, even that!) until now. I have spent the past four days in front of a computer screen getting acquainted with the online learning environment that our board of education supports. If I had only known in advance what this job would entail (except, how could I know because those above me - my supervisors, principal, etc. didn't even know) I probably would have reconsidered. The honest truth is that I am not really qualified for this job. I'm probably only qualified in the category of "hardworking, organized, and likes Spanish" whereas what I'm doing and preparing to do demands someone who is bilingual, tech saavy, and confident in this kind of work. I am none of those things. Why am I here? I really don't know. I blame everything entirely on God. Like I mentioned in my last post, He allowed me to be here. Actually, He literally - with his ginormous God arms - picked me up and put me in this position. And here I am. And who knows, it may be the best thing that could happen to my career but right now, I beg to differ.

So here I am sitting in front of my lap top in a cubicle with a dangerously steep learning curve to overcome. I know it's an impossible feat without the wisdom, knowledge, and guidance of God.

Hmmmm...that's probably why I'm here, isn't it?

Albert Einsten was once quoted as saying, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Isn't he right? Wishful thinking is exactly that: thinking. It's not doing or changing, it's merely thinking. And although I contend that thinking is where change begins, it's not where change is supposed to stay, or end for that matter. It's in the doing that the difference enters. The same is true for the faith-lived life. Christians struggle with almost everything under the sun; and although I'm sure many want and hope to change, few actually do something about it. Essentially, change is faith-led but action-based. "Faith without deeds is dead." I had a difficult time understanding that verse when I was younger, but now it makes complete sense. How can we say we "have faith" when our actions or deeds completely disregard or ignore or subvert the faith we say we have? How can "faith" really be considered "faith" when it shows no warrant in our actions, whatever "actions" entails? It can't and it's not.

It's been quite a while since I've been here recording my "notes" on this life journey of mine. I guess you could say I've been busy (err.. indifferent to blogging). So I can't promise (to myself or to any remaining avid blog readers out there) that I'll be back any time soon. But, I'm here now so I may as well write words worth the time I'm spending here as opposed to doing more important things.

Or not.

Let's see. Since my last post I have:

- gotten a tattoo
- become a vegetarian
- broken a bone for the first time in my life
- eaten McDonalds everyday for pretty much a whole week (those darn coupons!!!)
- been the object of racial attacks
- acquired a new position at work
- gotten a new camera
- gone snowboarding (twice!) since 2007

Yes I know, not very exciting. I was joking about the first three. I could never get a tattoo because I'd probably grow another keyloid (RIP Kelly - March 2006) and we don't want that happening again. I could never become a vegetarian because I love meat too much. I haven't broken a bone yet but every time I stub my little toe I feel like I'm one step closer.

Probably the most exciting event up there is that Dale and I ate McDonalds for dinner pretty much an entire week because of those '2 Can Dine' and 'Buy One Get One' coupons. The most interesting would have to go to both 5 and 6. Five is a long story but six I can talk briefly about. Basically, I need to utilize the limited Spanish knowledge I currently have to develop a new curriculum that our school is implementing starting September. That's pretty much the jist of my new position. I'm taking an Adult Ed Spanish Conversation class right now to get myself into the habit of speaking. I can't even say "speaking again" because I never really spoke it except during the two courses in university that I took 4 years ago. I'm also hoping to spend a few weeks in Spain this summer immersing myself in the culture and language in preparation for what I will be doing in September. We will see how that pans out. All I know is that God got me into this (REALLY), so I'm expecting Him to get me through it. Talk about faith. I'm living in it right now!!!

Looking back...

puts looking forward into greater perspective. Looking back doesn't have to be painful or guilt bearing; it doesn't have to bring back bad memories of things you wished you never did or things you wished never happened. They did. But life goes on. God (in time) heals you. If you allow Him to. Most of the time it won't be scar-free, but the pain is gone and although a scar remains, it only exists to remind you of God's power and grace.

Come, let us return to the Lord.
He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us;
he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.
-- Hosea 6:1

Sometimes we blame God for our hurt and pain. We blame him for the bad things that happen in our lives or to those we love. I suppose as humans, it seems only logical to blame God because we know he could've prevented it. We know he is all-powerful and can, with one command, tell the storm to calm down. Or even, diminish it altogether. But he doesn't (or didn't) and for that, we blame him. Perhaps even resent him for it.

And we miss the whole point of the hurt and the pain, of the 'bad' things, the relentless storm.

I don't believe God is to blame for the bad things that happen to us. But perhaps because we naturally blame him, Hosea's words echo rightly in our minds: "God, you've injured us!" So God accepts that we blame him (because, stubbornly, we persist in that), but what does he tell us? "I can heal you. Let me heal you." He allows the hurt and the pain, the suffering and even the resentment, only to be the One to heal us from it. So that we can see that only He can truly bind up our wounds.

We will never, truly and clearly, understand God. He is beyond understanding, beyond what we can fathom, or even imagine. That otherness of God is cause for worship, for a deep surrender to the things of God and to God himself. But I love him for his mystery, for his love that I know and experience through Christ, for making every effort to show me that He is a God of real love. Even if that includes my hurt and pain in the process.

Wisdom from the Word

[Job's] wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!"

He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"

-- Job 2:9-10